The Things We Do For Love

Oh, the old song rings in my ears....oh, the things we do for looooove. Do you hear it? Have you ever thought about that?
I mean, there's one meaning (which is how I always have thought of it) which is the sacrifices and things you will do because you love someone. It's true in family, friendship and romance. You WILL give if you do love. Selfishness becomes secondary once you love someone. Because, love by nature is the desire to meet the needs of another. It is about giving.
But there is another meaning. And, I think that in our culture and with youth today, it is probably more a part of people's experience. It's the things we do to GET love. It's the opposite of the first in many ways. It is based on knowing that performance is the basis of someone loving us. And, sadly, this is all some people know.
The first kind of things we do for love are a gift. They are an act of choice. They are the things that we do because we love. Like, staying up with a sick baby. Or cleaning house for someone. Or driving back to the school with an instrument. Or cleaning out the car. Or remembering to wash our plate and put it in the dishwasher. We do the action because we care about the person of people that it affects.
The second kind is when we feel a need to perform in order to achieve acceptance. I have known kids who give away toys so kids will like them. Grown ups who have no opinion because they want to be loved.
Love that is "bought" is not love at all. But it sometimes still feels good. Someone noticed us. Someone cared about what we did..........and while it's not caring about US, it is better than nothing.
It's easy to give the message to people, especially to those closest to us, that we love them more when they DO what pleases us. It's deadly with kids. It will always go badly. Either they will become such pleasers that they will struggle to really succeed, or they will rebel because they see the shallow truth which is that they are not really loved but being used.
It's not an easy thing to fix. But it starts in how we love others. Do it with great abandon. Give without expectation of them performing for you.
Having expectations........especially with kids......IS important. High expectations. They should listen to adults. Without argument. With respect. They should do as told in a timely matter. They should exhibit self control. They should be kind. They should constantly grow less and less selfish. They should grow in responsibility in proportion to their privileges. None of these things are wrong. But they are not what cause us to love them, to sacrifice for them, to hold them dear in our hearts.
As a matter of fact, when we love, we speak the truth. We don't have to hide in fear of speaking. We don't have to be afraid of losing love. Period. No child should ever be afraid of losing love. Privileges, yes.........love, no.
But it happens to adults too. If we don't tow the line we lose those relationships that mean the most sometimes. I've seen it in marriages, friendships, and extended family. It's heartbreaking.
Break out of this unhealthy mold. Don't be a wimpy please who always tries to be sure that they are still loved. (It's easy when you are insecure, I know.) Not saying be a jerk, just saying, genuinely give and receive love. Without conditions. Without having to perform.
It's rare, quite frankly. I observe people, and I hardly ever see it. But, it's worth striving for. Genuine love fills the soul. It feeds the spirit. It gives us wings. It makes us courageous. It doesn't incessantly stress us with unrealistic expectations.
It's so worth it. Begin by giving it. Not by making people give it to you. Be the example. With your kids especially. Hold firm standards, good boundaries, but love them EXTRAVAGANTLY. With your whole heart. Even when you have to do the hard things. Especially when you have to do the hard things. Kids don't feel safe when they are allowed to do whatever they want. They fight for that, but when interviewed or when they talk to other adults, they always say that they wish someone cared. They wish someone could or would make them do what was good.
Yet, the same kids often don't feel loved either. Allowed to do all they want, but feeling unloved. Dangerous combination. Lots of freedom and not sense of how cherished they are. They feel unable to do what it takes to achieve love from their parents.
Look around you. Wake up to the fact that love is a gift. Make it a wonderful gift. Give it to many. Don't be afraid. You might or might not receive it. But, in the loving itself is healing. And, at some point, you will find yourself loved. Fully and completely. Though you are DOING nothing to earn it.
What are the things you do for love? Both ways.
love you.
blessings,
rhonda