I Gave Everything

In life there are times when it is just not fair. Relationships are often this way. How many people I've seen.......how many times I've been one of them......where things just don't work out how you wish.
The world is full of broken relationships. But most of them don't affect us so much. Many were just people who walked in and walked out in one breath. Leaving little lasting impact. But, some of them are the kind to whom we have given all that we are. From the depths of our hearts. Meaning for it to last for all of our lives.
That's the hardest part.........the expectation of forever shattered. Oh, yes failed marriages fit this criteria. But so do parental relationships. Child relationships. Sibling relationships. And friend relationships.
It is the idea that you put all of your trust, all of your hopes, dreams and feelings out there. That you gave who you were and it wasn't enough. It was..........sigh....... rejected. It cuts deeply. It wounds. It scars. Not just innocuous people out there. Me. You.
Each of us have been in relationships where it feels like "I have given everything," but it wasn't enough. I was not accepted. I was pushed away. He left. She gave up. They used me. It turns out that I was scammed. I was unappreciated. I was mistaken. She was fake. He was charming but shallow. I was conned.
And the pain is huge. It throws us into mistrust. It makes us feel badly about who we are. It makes us wonder what is wrong with us. It causes us to pull away from people who have done nothing bad to us.
It's a relationship hurricane. The results are long and lasting. It takes a lot of time to rebuild.
I mean, it's ok when we disagree with friends. It's ok when time goes by and a friendship just kind of peters out. That happens. It's ok when people move away and things change.
But the rejection of someone throwing in our face that we are not enough. That we displease them. That it was all a show. All a play. All to use for their own benefit. That's painful.
I have some relationships like that. Don't really understand to this day.
But I have made some choices in these relationships. Or, lack of relationships. First, I call it what it is. It is wrong. Is is hurtful. It is unkind. It is not what anyone deserves. Even me. Even though I am a pain in the butt sometimes. Ok, I know, many times. It is not my fault. I may share responsibility, but I do not cause someone to make such decisions. They are responsible for their own decisions. They are responsible for their own actions.
Then, I choose to forgive. I choose to let them go and live their lives. I wish them well. I hope the best for them.
But I don't sit pining and thinking that they will change their minds. They probably won't. I don't assume they will change though I keep believing that they can and hoping that they will so that they will have future good relationships.
I don't listen to people who tell me that forgiveness means restorations of what was. I am not in control on the restoration but only in my forgiving. And believe me, that is all I can handle since it is a daily, moment by moment, all of the time process.
But in all of this is healing. There is growth. And there is the ability to go on to new relationships and give everything again. I am not just talking of intimate relationships. I'm speaking of friends, family, all of the people who are on the "inside" of our lives. I'm talking about being able to not go hide in a cave and wait life out because I was so hurt by someone.
And I have been. Trust me. I won't go into it all right now, but I know this pain very personally. I know what rejection feels like. I know what it feels like to be lied about. I know how it feels when people who are supposed to care just don't. Who fake it for a long time. Who make empty promises. Which I believed. I wanted to believe. In every case, I needed to believe. I wanted to be kind.........even........you know, even when there's that inkling that it's not what you wish it was.
But the thing is this. For me, I have a maker. He knows me. Inside out. And He builds me up. He fills me up. He makes me heal. He binds up my owies. He shows me the way to walk when I am too hurt to open my eyes. He carries me. I can give everything when it's time because He has already given everything to me. And His love and compassion and mercy never ends. He can fill me up moment by moment. So that I can LIVE. Live free. Live fully. Live courageously.
I hope you know Him. If not, I hope you get to know Him. He has made all of the difference. He is still about making me new. Making me understand. But, what I love, is that He never gives up. Never changes. Never is so disappointed in me that He walks away.
blessings,
rhonda