Like Mother Like Daughter

It is in the strangest times of life that you realize how much a child is like their parent. Tonight, a friend's daughter was ill. REALLY ill. Yes, you got it, she succumbed to the aforementioned tummy virus. I have a lot of compassion. I really do.
It's a horrible bug. I never stay in bed for days. I always know who is picking up my kids. And I realized tonight that I didn't even remember who picked up my kids from school when I was sick. It was my good friend, Deb...........Anna reminded me........but it wasn't me who arranged it. That's sick for me.
And this young lady came down with her bug in the middle of the Super Bowl. Something about a disco light and dancing through her over the edge. I can imagine. No virus and the disco light would give me a headache that might involve hurling. But, poor thing was about 30 minutes from home. Her mom and I didn't remember the way to the house. Called and got directions. Arrived. Dragged her to the car where a pan and blankie and paper towels were waiting. She got in. She moaned. She hurt. She was ssssoooo sick. She wanted something to make it stop. She was panicked knowing that there was nothing to do about it. And the way she talked was so much like her mom. I found it amazing. Love them both dearly. They weren't wimpy or overly complaining. It was just so similar how they responded to the horrific bug. But I thought it was just me. Until I got in my car with my daughter to go home and she said, "oh my gosh, she looked just like her mom did when she got sick....". Maybe the similarity is that they both had to be driven from somewhere while already violently ill. That's traumatic. But mostly, I think it's that they are both very strong women who are tenderhearted.
It's when the hard times of life come that we know what we have taught our children. How to stand. How to persevere. How to trust. How to hope. How to lean on the ONE who can carry them. (no, mom, it's NOT you. it never really was. you were just a vessel to help them along to the One who made them.) When everything is painful. When they are sick. When they are disappointed. Then you see who those kids really are.
This young lady is quite wonderful. Scared for what she had to face, but able to gather information....."is there anything you can give me that will help?" "nope, it just has to run it's course." And though that is tough news to hear when you are young, she handled it. She got settled on the bathroom floor, swaddled in blankets, draped around the pan as all of us who have succumbed have done. She rested while she could. But, she'll have a long night. Then, blessedly, she'll sleep for a couple of days.
But I realized how much character shows in these moments. When there's a struggle. And I realized how desperately I want to prepare my children for those times. But, I also realized that most of what they have learned has nothing to do with what I have willfully taught. It is what they have observed. Rather scary, really. Sometimes I so desperately wish that the "do what I say not what I do, " would work. But there's no hope for it. Who I am is much more important than what I tell them.
Not saying don't talk to your kids. (sorry, kids, I know you were hoping that I would quit talking to you so much.......) I am just pointing out that most of who they are is from what they have learned from you by experience.
Look closely at what you see when they are in a crisis. If you don't like their default mode, check your own out. It might be very similar. Shutting down. Yelling. Stressing. Obsessing. Coping. Worrying. Praying. Bullying. Blowing it off. Having a meltdown. Talking it out. And, if you have cultivated bad habits, talk to them about it. Let them know that you are sorry. Let them know that what you see is not what you hope for them or for you. Commit to making changes. If you have good habits, point those out too. Let them know what is good about those coping skills.
This part is important because they are going to look for spouses one day and it's important to recognize how people cope. To understand what their mode of operation is. To understand their default behavior.
Talk about all of that. Label behaviors. Talk about your own behaviors. Talk about your own friendships and relationships and how you do well and not so well. Teach them that it's a process. Evaluate. Help them to learn. Learn yourself.
Because, like it or not, we do become those who went before us in many ways.
Don't get me wrong, if people are abused, they are not destined to be abusers. But new behaviors have to be intentionally learned. For all of us. Change requires intention, not just good thoughts.
Yep, like mother like daughter. I heard the mama in the child tonight. And I was proud. Because there's a lot of strength there. They know how to live. They know where to turn when they hurt. They know how to ask for help. They have good habits.
Cultivate your own.....
blessings,
rhonda