Pendulums of Life

As we know, I am the observer. At times, it serves me well, at others, it drives me to distraction. Today it is the second.

I've been watching kids........yes, again. Wondering what we are doing to them. You see, what I'm observing is how kids who are raised in a legalistic, controlling environment become the opposite of that. At least for a time. It seems that some grown ups think that making every decision, belittling, and tearing down make sure a kid will grow up to do exactly what they say. From observation, I would say NOT. Nope. Not happening. The kids I see that are raised that way rebel horribly and hugely..........with license. License to do, think, be, or take whatever they want......even if it makes no sense. Especially if it makes no sense. It's like they try to prove that you only love them if they follow your rules. It's what they were taught.

And then there's the other side....permissiveness. Everything goes. No guidelines. Just do as you choose. Like clothes hanging on the line, flapping in the wind; the kids are just as lost. And, strangely, they often end up making hard line rules to live by. And in the trying to be absolutely perfect, they find themselves depressed, hurting and feeling like they can't succeed.

Life works on a pendulum. We rarely strike the balance perfectly. But it seems to me that perhaps if we all treated kids like we need to be treated then maybe they would do better. I mean, legalism does nothing for me because I am totally incapable of doing everything right.....and frankly, I rebel at the constant "you shoulds". But looking the other direction, when there's no input, I assume a person does not care aboutme. I figure that I am on my own. Maybe it's the idea of coaching. Of supporting. Maybe grown ups need to realize that it's less about control and more about example and loving even when we don't get our way. And doing this while keeping our eyes open so that we are not allowing ourselves to simply be used. That doesn't help either. I mean, we all are used to a degree, but I mean not catering to bad habits, setting lines and boundaries. But the lines and boundaries can be set with compassion and calmness. Those ultimatums may come at some point as teens begin to spread their wings and fly away. And some are not flying into a nice sunshiney day. Some seem bent on flying into the storm. We wish they would wait. We gripe. Complain. But what if we understood? What if we stopped long enough to remember that desire to get out from under someone else? And in that realizing dealt with the teen.
"I respect that you are feeling ready to get out on your own. I have a few concerns that people might use you if you are not financially ready to support yourself." "Perhaps we could make a plan to get you out on your own that is beneficial to both of us." "I can't allow certain behaviors for the safety and peace of our home." "Things that are illegal could endanger your siblings, so I can't have you doing them here." "I know that you choose, I just want to be here to help you make it to who you need to be."
Maybe if we could quit making it about how kids dress. Or who they hang with. Or how they seem. Maybe if we could make them realize how desperately we love them and are for them. I mean, isn't that how God was and is with us? I am so much for you that I'll send my child to show you how I am. And you will kill him. And I will love you anyway. As a matter of fact, not only will I love you anyway, but it will be the ultimate sacrifice.
Kids need us. They need us to walk with them. To be for them. To speak the truth without it being about whether we love them. To allow consequences when it feels like it will kill us. To not tie our identity up in theirs so much that we are ashamed of them if they don't look or act how we wish. No matter what, we need to be able to look at them and say, "you are mine. I love you. I am for you. I will not allow some things because of the law, but those things are not all you are. I see you. You are special."
Even if your kid is drunk every night. Or finding him/herself hooked on some drug. Or having sex. Or pregnant. Or flunking out of school. Or using language that curls your toes. Or behaving disrespectfully. Sometimes in life, we get lost. We lose our way. We need someone with a light to come find us and love us and wrap us in a blanket and be there when we awaken from sleeping with some good food. Not hit us with the flashlight. Not leave us out there and not come looking for us. But even if you do it all. Walk with them and all. You have to realize. We have to realize.......they make their own choices at some point. You can love. You can hope. You can pray. But you don't get to decide for them. You get to decide for you.
Will you write them off? Or will you keep who you know they are alive in your heart and love them fiercely? You will have to choose at some point in time. These kids are all around us. You have watched them grow up. You are their parents, teachers, coaches, directors, counselors, boy scout leaders............you get to decide who you will be in their lives. Not how they will live their lives. That's hard when you love. Painful. Irritating too.
But, it will make all of the difference if enough people stand beside and walk with and walk through. Not maybe now. But someday.
blessings,
rhonda