Jumping Through the Hoops

Often there is no avoiding jumping through the hoops. We rebel against it. Push hard. Hold back. A picture much like Snoopy being walked on a leash. We behave as if we are choking, when in reality, if we just walked peacefully along, all would be well. It's something about authority. It begins very young. That first "no" is the beginning of a whole lifestyle.
That's why it's so important, from a very young age, "to train up a child in the way that he should go." Notice, I didn't say break his spirit or make him docile. I didn't say that you should be controlling and demanding. But I am saying that from birth on to young adulthood, we, as parents, are responsible to train........teach, mentor, coach, lead, mold, shape, guide. We need to let kids know that it is not acceptable to simply be rebellious or oppositional just for the sake of being that way. Privileges need to be earned and not just once......behaviors must continue to keep a privilege. For instance, if a child makes his bed (this is for a four or five year old), he might be given the privilege of watching a favorite cartoon. However, if he goes and turns on the tv on a morning without making his bed and says, "you didn't tell me," that is defiant. It is a standard rule. It does not need to be reiterated every day.
My kids have had a morning routine since they were preschoolers. It is so established that we don't have to talk about it anymore. However, as they enter the teen years and begin to show signs of defiance by being continually late or not eating breakfast or making the morning miserable for everyone else, then there are consequences which are put in place immediately. If they don't get up on first call, they go to bed early. Period. If they make us wait.....not make us late to school, but make us wait after the appointed time to be in the car, then they owe time back to the family. Period. If they argue about the consequences, the consequences continue to increase until they decide to comply. Period.
I have very little desire to argue with my teens. And, I have to say, we rarely do. And I'm not saying that if they are going through a hard moment that I won't hear them.......but I do NOT tolerate unkindness, disrespect, meanness or bullying as a way for them to cope.
You see, we all have to learn to jump through the hoops. I don't really want to write my resume, cover letter and fill out hours worth of paperwork to get a job. But, if I want a job, I must. I might prefer that my job start at 10 instead of 8. Tough luck. If I decide to show up at 10, I will be shown the door.
Not teaching our children the ways that society works is a disservice. If they think that they can keep a boss waiting because they wanted to spend more time in the shower, they will find themselves unemployed.
Some hoops are unavoidable. To go to school, vaccination cards need to be turned in. To go to camp, you have to have a physical. To take a trip out of the country, you need a passport. We can rant and rave and wish it weren't so, but some things aren't worth arguing about.
Because I have taught my children the "hoops" of our particular family, I can now teach them about the things that do matter to fight about. Injustice. Abuse. Belittling. Meanness. Crime. Stealing. Dishonesty. Some things are worth rebelling against. Some things are worth losing a job over. Some things are worth losing a relationship over. But if I don't TRAIN them to see the difference, they will either always be compliant or always be rebelling. They won't know the proper time for each thing.
It's a lot of work. It requires daily, moment by moment input. It means getting up when I want to sit and being very clear about what I mean. It means that sometimes I blow it and have to say and mean that I'm sorry. But, looking around at the behaviors in schools, I am convinced that too many kids are being left to figure everything out for themselves. They haven't been taught hoop jumping as a norm of life.
If kids grow up cleaning up dishes after themselves, it's not a big transition to take turns cleaning the kitchen and then, ultimately, to being responsible for cleaning their OWN kitchen. Isn't that our job? To keep training with the goal of independence in mind?
How can they ever be independent if we always slack on training? How can they know what to expect in the world if we don't set any standards in our homes?
I am not talking about being mean or being slave drivers. And I certainly don't mean that our love should be based on how they perform. But it is my fervent belief that children feel more confident and more secure when they know exactly what is expected and what the hoops are. Then, they know what to expect in return.
Kids are smart. They will push until they find the boundary. Just like they snuggled up next to the edges of their cribs when they were babies and how they liked being swaddled as infants. Too much freedom makes them feel vulnerable and unprotected.
If you haven't started, start today. Make a list for them. Let them know what you expect. Let them know what they can expect from you if they do or don't comply. Um, and by the way, they don't need prizes for doing what they should be doing. I mean, it's nice sometimes when things are rough or something, but I have never gotten a prize for being on time for work each day......just sayin'......
But before you begin, make sure that they know how much you love them for who they are. Tell them. Tell them why you are doing this. Tell them how desperately you want to help them to become men/women who are capable and confident adults who can survive the ups and downs that life is going to bring.
Then, stick with those hoops. Don't back down. DON'T ARGUE. Arguing is one of the first things that needs to go...........you get to choose, you are the parent. BUT REMEMBER, it's not about power, it's about teaching and training, so don't make a bunch of stupid rules. Think about character. Think about respect. Think about the basics of what they need to leave your house in 10, 5 or 2 years. Then go for it.
Praise frequently, but only when it's real. Thanks for getting to the car on time, it is really nice when we don't have to wait, and I know you are not a morning person. Thanks for setting your alarm, it helps me for you to be up and ready to go. Thanks for getting to bed on time. It makes things easier on all of us. Thank you for being so good about your_______ job, I really appreciate how I don't have to tell you every day. Your room is looking so nice. I enjoy being in this living room that you vaccuumed and cleaned. It's so pleasant being in the nicely mowed yard. Oh, I really like how you did more than just the dishes, that really helped me.
On the other hand, if they do a cruddy job, don't accept it. If they make every step miserable and make you worn out fighting it all the way, say so. The first moment it starts to be that way, it's important to say, "if you don't change your behavior and your attitude, I have lots more for you to do......." Don't be afraid. It only takes a few consistent days before they figure it out. "Oh, you can't work for me while you have a cell phone? Well, I'll keep the cell phone until I see that you are doing what you need to." "Oh, I CAN'T tell you what to do? Oh, well, that means I shouldn't be giving you money or internet or cell phone or car privileges. Come talk when you want to change this." When they do come talk, don't be bullied or guilted. What a crock that is. You owe them certain things........unconditional love and safety, food (not desserts or snacks), shelter, school.........the rest are gifts.
Teach them well to jump through hoops. It will make daily life easier. Not just for you. The kids will feel confident and secure. You won't waste time arguing. But the best part is that you will know and begin to see that you have done everything you can to prepare them for adulthood.
happy jumping.
Now, I gotta write that resume.
blessings,
rhonda