20 SOMETHING..........

More like 20? No, something else. Today as I was walking into the building from a break at work, I suddenly realized.........again..........I'm a GRANDMA, a mom of 6, five pregnancies. This was after admiring (ha) the little pooch on my belly. I say little in the kindest, most dishonest way. And, frankly, admire may be a little strong.......noticing was more like it. "Oh, IT WIGGLES WHEN I WALK. LAH DI DAH DI DAH. OH IT WIGGLES WHEN I WALK." Can you tell that I was in a hurry? But, seriously, out of the blue in a nearly audible voice I heard, "what did you expect, that you would look as you did in your twenties." I literally stopped. I laughed. I felt so much better. I mean, when I was in my twenties, I didn't expect women to all look like women in their twenties, but now that I'm older, I keep holding up this standard. Why, I don't know. I don't even mind my body, but there's this deep down place where I know there's a bit of shame feeling. I am not what I once was.
And well you might say, "why thank God that you aren't what you once were." I was skinny. Had perky boobs. Tight glutes. Firm arms. Smooth skin. Pretty umblemished, unveined legs. Didn't even know what a stretch mark was..........literally. Never been stretched. In more ways than one. BECAUSE, I was also shallow, untested, small, obnoxious, fearful, trouble making, self righteous, a pleaser. Oh, I looked better. On the outside. But the real work over the years has been going on in the inside of Rhonda. Deep down. Learning. Growing. Becoming. No, not just becoming a little larger of body, but larger of heart and definitely of spirit.
I am learning who I am. Who God has always seen me as. I am growing in the desire to not be religious but to have relationship with the creator of all........including me.
My belly jostles when I rush. And darn those women who are my age and are firm and supple and perfect. They may very well been placed in my life as the thorn in my side to allow me to trust the one who made me. To know that that's not what MY life and purpose are about.
Oh, I like looking and feeling pretty. By my own little standard.;) But today, I realized that I'm actually pretty happy with who I am and maybe it's time to clean those shame feelings about how I look out of my heart's closet and get rid of them.
For better and for worse........I'm not longer in my twenties.........and I'M MOVING ON.
blessings,
rhonda