Loss

Sometimes life is not fair.  Or at least it feels that way.  I know, you'd think that by this age I'd be over fair.  But, sometimes doesn't it just hit you?  "THAT'S NOT FAIR!"  And I feel about five years old.  Ha.
Life is not always fair, but it is always interesting.  People come and go.  Lives change.  Things happen.  Sometimes you find yourself the center, other times you find yourself odd man out.  Still other times, you find that you have to walk alone.
While it doesn't feel fair...and it often isn't fair, it is a fact of life.  It's part of growing up.  Growing pains.  Facing reality.  I've never been very good at that.  I always hope for the happy ending.  I really hate facing the loss of hope that comes with knowing that life isn't fair.  It's a loss.
So, if you see me on the street stamping my feet and having a tantrum, it's that I just have trouble with the fact that life really isn't fair.  Of course, sometimes that works in my favor.......hmmmm....I'll have to think on that.  In the meanwhile,
blessings,
rhonda

My house. My home.

The place where I live.  The building in which I reside.  It is not a mansion nor a showplace.  It does not boast a turret, though I would LOVE a turret.  It is not small.  It is not intimidating.  I have never known anyone to feel put off by entering my home because of it's grandness.  Sometimes, perhaps for it's chaos. 
And, chaotic it often is.  Animals and kids roam freely around.  Adults sit around and chatter.  Or take naps as the urge hits them.  It is a plcae where much living goes on. 
Often unkempt and untidy.  Without much organization.  The glasses get broken regularly.  There are dozens of plates in the cupboard and flatware to serve a small army.....because this house sometimes does. 
My house.  My home.  It might not be many things, but it is a place of refuge.  A place to be yourself.  A place to enjoy and eat your fill.  It is a place to laugh or cry depending on what you need....sometimes both occur within minutes.  This is a real place.  No need to put on your fanciest attire or to use the proper fork.  You'll be lucky if you get matching silverware. 
But, this place is a place I'd fight for.  I would draw a line in the sand if anyone tried to make it less than what it is.  Because, for all of it's idiosyncrasies, this house is a reflection of me.  It is not many things, but it is willing.  Willing to shelter your heart.  To offer you friendship.  To relax when the world is too busy.  To work hard to help you make it through.  This house is  a portrait of who I am.  Still under construction.  Needing work all of the time.  Too much roaming around inside and out.  But still, something there that draws you in.  Causes you to pause.  And wonder.  Maybe there's more here than meets the eye. 
My house.  My home.
blessings,
rhonda

Trying Again

I arose this morning to birds singing.  The sun is tucked neatly behind the clouds.  The world is still.  The feeling of a blanket enveloping it.  though it's not early.  It is a break, so my kids remain in bed.  My husband has left for work.  The world is quiet.
And I begin to think of that saying, "if at first you don't succeed, try try again."  And it makes me smile.  When I was younger, I thought that trying again meant doing the same thing over and over again.  I thought that it meant doing the same thing and expecting a different result.  That would have been like Edison not changing the design of the light bulb in progress, but continuously making the same design.  He would have failed.  Someone else would have invented the light bulb.
My life is like that.  I get caught in the rut of trying to do things in the same way.  I have the idea that there's an expected way or an accepted way, and instead of being creative or giving it a fresh try, I keep bringing out the same old try.
But today, as I sit here quietly beginning my day, I am choosing to try again in new and creative ways.  Whether it's getting my garden beautiful or teaching my kids to step up and do what they see needs to be done without being told.  So many things to try on.  So many possible ways to succeed.  Unless I get caught in the rut of just trying the same way that just failed the last hundred times.
So, I'll be off.  Got a lot of trying again to do.
blessings,
rhonda

Thanks Grandpa

Today was a hard day for me.  I just couldn't feel good about anything that I was doing.  I was not finding myself able to feel positive or confident.  It happens, you know?  I was listening to the unproductive voices.  Hearing how I fail. 
And my heart cried out.  "God help me.  I need a word of encouragement.  I am struggling.  I am feeling down." I turned on the country music station.  That always cheers me up.  I know it's strange, but it's still true.  I never said that I wasn't strange.  And, I went back to work.  I worked really hard today.  Grocery shopping.  Yard.  Furniture rearranging. 
While I was going through books, I came across a little black notebook.  Flipped it open to a page titled "Love Lifted Me."  I immediately recognized my grandpa's handwriting.  At first I thought it was his notes for the Bible studies he led....but, I think that they were sermons.  Three point sermons. Anyway, my prayer was miraculously answered by God, using something tangible...which is important to me.  Even more amazingly, He used something that He knew would mean a lot to me to find.  I recently lost a ring from my grandpa.  Finding this little notebook lifted my heart.  Love how God not only knows me, but cares enough to meet my needs in a way I will understand. 

A Good Day

You know, it's a good day when I remember that I don't have to fear.  That courage will be SUPPLIED.  It is a good day when I find myself not alone in the world.  When I open my eyes and see the people who love me holding on tightly, even if they are far away. 
So, though today was a hard day, it was a GOOD DAY.  Full of wonder, smiles, laughter and really amazing people.  It was a reminder that I have to go through.  Not around.  Not under.  Not over.  Through.  It's the only way.  But, while I am, I don't walk alone.  Neither do you.
blessings,
rhonda

Life and Living

This Thursday would have been my grandmother's birthday.  This Saturday, she will have been gone for seven years.  I wonder at how quickly they have flown by.  By how she has missed seeing her great grand children growing up.  And, I mourn again.  I mourn because she decided to quit living before her time was really up.  She didn't put her heart into what she did.  She forgot how good it was to give.  She missed out on several years that could have been really good because she decided that it wasn't worth it. 
I want to live fully until the very end.  I sense how easy it is to give in to despair or hopeless feelings.  But I want to choose to live life abundantly.  I want to squeeze the joy out of every moment.  I want to love extravagantly.  I want to give generously.  Without holding back.
And I want to begin this very moment.  Because, my grandmother entered the hospital not knowing that it would be her last time ever to be in her own home.  Not knowing that it was her last chance to say the things that should be said.  She did not realize....but the end still came. 
I want to give the One who is my Life my very best.  Even in rest.  I want to be the smile in someone's day.  The pat on the back.  The word that lifts a heart.  I want to celebrate the preciousness of each breath. 
To breathe deeply.  To exhale life to others. 
blessings,
rhonda

For the Joy Set Before Me

I have lived way too much of life being afraid about making decisions, what people think of me and how things are going to turn out.  I have wondered if I am living "right".  And I have struggled with how I feel about myself.  But, in recent times, grace has crept in.  Slowly.  With great....um, yeah I know, it's redundant, grace.  Not pushy.  But full of compassion.  Of understanding.  God has shown me how incredibly gracious He is.  Not because I deserve it, but because He IS it.  He is so gracious that all of my sins are covered.  Not just the ones before I received Him, but ALL of them, for all time.  The ones I know about and realize and the ones that I am too ignorant to see or even to call sin.  He has grace on me.  He adores me.  And He IS the joy set before me.  When my eyes are on Him, instead of how I'm doing as a mother, employee, wife, friend, human being, woman, or any other standard, He fills me with peace.  With joy. 
But, the problem is the obstacles in the way.  Those mountains that tend to block my view.  Otherwise known as fears and insecurities.  The what ifs.  What if I say how I really feel and it ends badly?  What if I fail?  What if I don't measure up?  What if I absolutely mess it up?  What if I am not popular?  What if I screw up my kids?  What if I don't please my spouse?  What if.....
The what if mountains are the highest range anywhere in the world.  And they block a spectacular, amazing view.  The view of Jesus Himself.  Standing, beckoning, calling, wooing, reminding, cajoling, pleading, loving, hoping.  He IS there.  And, I can choose to see Him.  But, I will have to choose to let go of the what ifs.  I will have to choose to live in truth.  To live day to day.  To tell how I am.  To walk there.  Even if it is very hard.  But, what if I do? 
I will find the joy that has been set before me. 
blessings,
rhonda