When Did It Happen

I don't know when it happened, but I have a sneaking suspicion that's it has been sneaking around following me for a long time. And now, here it is........I am classified as middle aged. HA. Middle of what??? How can that be? I am still so immature. So waiting to grow up. But kids look at me now and think how old I am. Sigh.
But I still drive by the lake at the water treatment plant and notice the hundreds of geese out there on the ice and wonder how it is that people can't swim in there or use live bait because it contaminates the water. But the geese poop in the water. Lots of geese. Hmmm.......and my mind pondered this for a good five minutes.
And then, there's the fact that I still can't sit in church or a meeting in the back and not be distracted by all of the people and things going on between me and the speaker. I thought that middle aged people had outgrown that.
And I am easily amused. Lucky for my husband. Because I actually think it's funny when he makes up silly verses to songs. Like "who is that in yonder stall? i see his feet, but that is all......." He also has a real knack with country western lyrics.
And I still like to kick a rock when I walk. And play with sidewalk chalk. And swing. I still like photo booths.
I mean, how can these things compute as middle aged? I saw middle aged people. They had it together. Their homes were organized. Their schedules full of useful activities. I'm still just me. I look in the mirror and I still see the kid.
You know what I mean? The kid who has doubts and questions. The kid who wonders. The kid who really wants to believe that life is not too hard. But the kid is getting a little wrinkly. A little gray. The "kid" is having trouble reading with her glasses on. Good news, it makes seeing in the mirror a little tricky too.
I guess that coming as a child......having faith like a child........it is at the core of who we are. Not childish. But as a child. With wonder. With questions. With hope. With trust. So, I guess it's not such a bad place to be. Though a little bit disappointing since I thought that I would have it all together. And the older I'm getting the more clearly I'm seeing that nobody has it all together. Nobody has the perfect life. Life is messy. Complicated. And deeply satisfying. Engage fully. Enjoy it. Even in the pain. Learn. Question. Wonder. LIVE.
love ya.
blessings,
rhonda

the splinter

A couple of weeks ago, while cleaning out the garage, I got a splinter. You know, the kind that's from polyurethane.........it killed. Took my breath away. But I squeezed and got out the little offending piece and was so relieved to be able to work without it rubbing on everything. But, strangely, later in the night the finger began to throb. I put on some antibiotic cream and a bandaid and went to bed. The next morning, the spot was red and pussy. And it HURT. A lot. And I saw another little piece of splinter. So, I squeezed it. OUCH. And out it popped. But it wasn't a little piece, it was over 1/4 inch long!!! I was stunned. And, relieved, of course. The pain was gone. RELIEF. Did I mention that this was quite awhile ago?
Today I was painting in my house. Pretty chocolate brown, in case you care. (Looks awesome, btw.) Finally, I was so tired, so sore and so messy that I decided a nice, long hot bath was in order. I have the greatest soaker tub ever. My nails were a mess. I had to dig the pretty chocolate color out from under my nails. And I noticed....a splinter!!! In the same place!!!! Being in the tub, I got it right out. It was rather calloused around it. I hadn't even noticed it. It's gone now. I think.
The whole experience got me thinking how easy it is to think we are done with dealing with a weakness or a pain......when in reality, it is still there and just hidden. In some cases it causes pain. In other cases it causes callouses. But the thing is that we have to be aware that it effects us. That it changes us. That sometimes it hurts us. And you never know when it will show up again. You just never know. But you don't have to freak out. You don't have to be worried. It will eventually be done. Be brave. Leave it behind. But don't just leave it in there when it rises to the surface. You'll be miserable longer.
blessings,
rhonda

Day is Done

Whew. Some days the best thing is that they simply, finally, painfully, come to an end. And that's ok. You know, not all days are "good" as in easy or pleasurable. But all days can be used for good. All days can teach good. All experiences can grow me up. Don't ask my husband. Cuz he is patiently waiting for this day to end too. Because his wife is grouchy. And he can't fix it. The last thing I want is to be fixed. I just want to figure out what I can learn from today and go on.
What about you? Was it an awesomely wonderful day? What did you learn? Did you grow? Did you live fully engaged? I hope so.
And whatever tomorrow brings, remember, you don't walk alone. You are carried. Circumstances are what they are. Only you are what changes.
blessings,
from a fellow walker

Christmas cont.

Lest you were left in tears and wondering about my very difficult day of lights and total despair with decorating.......here is a follow-up.
First, I finally just didn't try so much. Planned. Waited to go get my kids. Went and got the darlings. Told my current at home eldest about my light woes. He laughed. Commiserated about the flashing lights.........he doesn't like them either.
But the ride home.......oh my goodness. My eldest was arguing with the youngest about who should carry the saxophone. The middle two arguing about a chapstick and who it belonged to. And other equally important arguments continued. We pulled in the drive. The doors opened and I began loudly praying for my children.......they laughed and continued arguing......sigh. As we walked into the house I said "I'm going to have another baby because maybe I can raise this one better." Without a pause, my most middle child says, "it's about time, but it won't be better because we'll be here to teach it." Sigh. Again.
But, we arrived in the house and found the offending "flasher" bulb. That fixed, I headed out to find icicle tinsel. Who knew that it was so rare? Besides, getting away was a good thing. Gave directions for beginning tree decorating. Four stores later, four boxes of tinsel in hand and the precious candy canes and I arrived home to a home where the kids had done as I asked, had loaded the back porch up with wood for the coming cold night and had the lasagna in the oven.
Anna and I spent time putting the tinsel, mercury beads and candy canes on the tree. In the dark with just the lights of the tree on. And it's so pretty.
The arguing has ceased. Not the kidness......just the pettiness. The tree is good. Very good. It wasn't the same without Joe. Anna cried too. But life moves on. And good comes. Even in the midst of pain. Pretty trees still occur. How I'll do it when it's no kids, I have no idea, but I don't have to worry about that just yet.
So, I made it through the day without any profanity. With an abundance of tears. And lots of kid love. They are good for me.
Regarding the baby..........that was sarcasm.
blessings,
rhonda

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Ok, it really looks a lot more like Christmas threw up. Remnants of this and that all over. But the lights are on the tree. You'd think I'd be working feverishly, but I'm hungry and disheartened. I am not so good at the whole vignette make it cute thing. It is pretty pathetic. Some women are so good at making their homes look good at every season.
Now, I like to move furniture. Paint it. Give me some great lawn furniture and I rock at making it fun. But this is so stinking hard. Somehow it loses it's appeal when it's so stressful. I wish that there were Christmas elves.......you know you would contact the North Pole in November and schedule a night to be away from home and when you got back the lights would be up and the pretties would not only be found, but displayed as elegantly as the most beautiful stores.
Perhaps it is also that I now am used to having so many different things to work with and this year I don't. I do get these moments of inspiration. But hey, I don't have tulle right here. Don't have the red and white ticking. I put lights on my tree that are pretty.......except at the bottom, somehow they suddenly started blinking. Did I mention that I'm not such a fan of blinking lights? But the bottom line is that this is something my college son and I have done together for many years. He has the patience and the savvy to make it look great. And so, on top of just feeling like I am the worst homemaker, I miss my kid. How good it is for him to be in college, to be flying and growing.......good for him, not so great for me.
Let's see, now what do I do with all of the stuff that is getting replaced by the Christmas stuff??? hmmm. Pack it in the boxes that the Christmas stuff came out of? Maybe so.
Christmas is a very good time. I love the season. But I also experience more deeply all losses, all pain..........I think that the season brings high emotions. High expectations, certainly. So, I will go back and see what I can do to make things prettier for my family. I do love them. Do love Christmas. Just have a hard time making the house feel right. And did I mention that I would rather be painting my family room. But not so much by myself. So, maybe when the boys get home.........tomorrow, since TODAY is the day to decorate and listen to Christmas music. That part, the music part, I am good at.:)
Funny how as women, moms, wives, we think that we should have all of the gifts. What a shock it is to grow up and find that the weaknesses that we always had are still with us. Well, at least I don't just hang pictures randomly on the wall because the previous owners left a nail there anymore. That's progress. By the time I'm 90...........
blessings.

Wishing

Wishing is a good thing. And dreaming. They are all tied up in hope and faith. But sometimes, I think that we get so busy being wrapped up in how something could be in our mind that we fail to see what really is. I've seen lots of young people do this in relationships. You know, we call it being in love with love.
But I see us continuing it into adulthood. Not just with bf/gf, but in relationships in general. We want certain things to be true and so we look for those things in those friendships or relationships and when we get a glimpse of them, we hold onto that, even if every other indicator says that the relationship is not what we think it is.
I often talk about friendships and sticking to it and holding on. Today is more about knowing when it's not really a friendship. Sometimes we get involved in relationships that meet needs or a time of life. Sometimes we like someone so much (yes, just like in junior high) that we stick around because we like being with them though they don't really, if we are really really brutally honest, like us back. Some people like what we do for THEM. Some people, we like what they do for US. Though these things can make a friendship to a degree, they are not give and take. They are not real.
There are some hard litmus tests to do to see what kind of friendship you are in. I have read about them in various books over the years, but really, have never given them much thought. They seem too hard. But, perhaps it is wiser to know what kind of relationship you are in instead of living in wishes. Though wishes are good and sometimes get you to what you actually want.
Here goes:
If you do all or most of the connecting, the friendship is probably convenient for the other, but not what it is for you.
If when you get phone calls it's generally regarding a need or something they want done, not seeing how you are or just wanting to be with you....same as above.
If you are always waiting for the other person to answer if they want to do something with you, they probably don't.
If you do the calling, the visiting, the inviting, the asking, the relational stuff, probably that's a clue that they like what you do. And probably like you too, just maybe not as much as you like them.
If your other friends and family say that they use you, mistreat you...........maybe you should listen.
If you have to change who you are to be someone's friend.......and it's not to make you a better person, rethink.

As women, we want friends and relationships pretty badly. We will go to many lengths to have and maintain them. Healthy or not. If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship or two, learn how to make it better. Learn how to say what is important to you. Because the thing is that it's not someone else's responsibility to make you have what you want. You have to learn that. Sounds harsh. But the thing is that we often sit around trying to make a swan out of a goose. Or a daisy out of a dandelion. Kinda silly. Enjoy the geese, enjoy the dandelions........but don't be fooled that they are swans or daisies. Be wise. Guard your heart. Not hide it. But in being real, do a reality check in relationships now and then. Just like you go in for a physical. And learn how to get from point a to point b.......and point b to point c and point c to point d. You got it, it's a process.
SOME relationships are toxic. Yet we hold on. Be aware.........they will drain you, they will eat at you from the inside out. Negative, mean people are not the kind of people you need as your best friends. People who are in constant crisis. People who are chronically selfish. Run. Or at least be aware that it is not a two way street.
Love ya my friends.
Yep, you know who you are.
And know..........I KNOW that I don't get this friendship thing very well.
I'm learning. Along with my friends.
blessings,
rhonda

Give it all you got.

Ever wonder what you are holding back and why? I mean, saving your energy. Saving your time. Saving your good ideas. Holding off on what you might do today for another time. Why? Is it because the time isn't right? Are you afraid? Do you even know why? Could it simply be that you are used to the same old same old so you just go with that? The rut gets pretty comfy at times. But it's like that bird in a cage. It sings. It swings. It pecks at the seed. It drinks the water. Flutters from perch to perch. It exists. In a cage. Birds are supposed to fly.
So are you. YOU are supposed to rise up on wings like an eagle......not just fly but SOAR. High above the ground. Sure. Confident. Full of faith. Purposeful. Not fluttering. Clipped. Barely able to move.
You have a purpose. You were made for something. When you start second guessing and trying to please everyone in the world and try for a job and not a life........well, somewhere you lose out on who you were created to be. What I am learning is that we are given gifts, dreams, talents, desires, experiences, relationships, time, and breath itself............and the choice of how to live.
It's easy to worry. It's hard for me to just put the first coat of paint on a wall when it's a big change. But, if it's the wrong color, I can repaint it. And painting is something I like to do. Yes, I am weird. I find it relaxing. Painting furniture too. Love it. Can picture it. But at home, I agonize. And somehow in that agony, my whole self freezes. Who I am. I had that outlet at Rose Buds. I could make decisions and do things and felt free to make a mistake on the color of a dresser or a desk. That would explain the lime green desk in my family room. But the thing is that perhaps failing is better than being stagnant. Perhaps embracing life every day is more important than what is accomplished that gains us kudos or dollars.
I have found it difficult to do this lately. I don't really know why. Maybe you are there too. Kind of frozen. Wondering. Waiting. Trying to find balance again. Or grieving. Or trying to please others. Or needing affirmation or money or something so badly that you have quit seeing who you were made to be in the trying to get what is consuming.
I encourage you, and myself as well, get up each day and see who you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to do that day. One day is enough. It has been said "each day has enough trouble of it's own." It also has enough courage. Enough love. Enough provision. You don't walk alone. You are loved.
Be still. Think. Pray. Breathe. Do that which you were created to do. And see how it is at the end of the day. Maybe it will lead to an even better tomorrow. Days are kinda like that: building blocks.
blessings,
rhonda

Inconvenient

The trademark of knowing that you have good friends is knowing that you can "call them at two in the morning." Or, in other words, you have the privilege of being cared for and about even when what you want or need is inconvenient. It's not that you try to be inconvenient. It's just that in the hubbub and craziness of life, sometimes it happens that you are sick. Or sad. Or heartbroken. Or get great news. Or need therapy. Or just need. And it doesn't always happen during business hours. As a matter of fact it usually doesn't. It often happens when people are busy with other things. There are friends that you know will take your calls. Yes, even in the middle of the night.

And no, not because it's convenient. It's because in good friendships, YOU are never an inconvenience. Even when they are wiping the sleep from their eyes. Or driving to pick you up at the airport after they already settled into their sweats for the evening.

It's not easy to be this kind of friend. It takes a selflessness that is rare in our society. But it is worth it. Kids need it from adults. That things aren't always about our convenience but about our care for them. Because that feels really good. For all of us. Be this friend. Dont' just look for this friend. And remember, it's not all of your friends. And it doesn't come easily. Takes some time and nurturing. Let it happen. Enjoy the process. But make sure that you take the time to nurture this kind of relationship. It's totally worth it. You are totally worth it.
blessings,
rhonda

Here Comes Santa Claus

Well, around our house, Santa is kinda just a fun things these days. But I loved the years they believed......it was so much fun. I got no sleep whatsoever, but seeing their sweet faces in the morning made it all totally worth it. And John was the tinsel fairy. He would dance and prance and scatter around the tinsel. Fun times. And our kids would awaken at about 5:30. It was amazing.
These days things are a little more simple. We don't have to stay up so late and we tell the kids what time we can all be expected to get up.
This year is different in many ways. Everyone is growing up. The economy has changed. Oh boy, that was an understatement. I am unemployed. But today I was thinking how the main things are still the main things. My kids love this time of year. And because they do, I do even more. Their eyes still sparkle. Their excitement is still contagious. We still make a birthday cake for Jesus. Cookies. Fudge. We hang lots of candy canes on the tree. To eat. Not just to look pretty. We take forever to open our presents. We do stockings, eat breakfast and THEN we begin opening presents. It's fun. Draws it out. We eat ham. Pretty simple meal. By mid day we are enjoying our gifts and maybe a little nap. It's a nice day. If it snows, so much the better.
Things have changed. Many things. And yet, the little things are all still in place. We are relaxed around one another. We are family. I love that. Years might change. Some years we have some money, other years, not so much. But every year, we have had each other. And honestly, though some things are disappointing, at the end of this year, when it comes time to list why I've had a good year, these people will top out the list. Right under the Jesus I have the privilege to serve.
Love you guys. You all..........my family. (yes, the blood relatives and the others..........) I mean all of you.
blessings,
rhonda

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Love listening to the song. Love hearing Buddy the elf sing it. Makes me smile every time. A man trying to convince a woman that she doesn't want to leave him and go out into the cold night. And she doesn't want to leave anymore than he wants her to go. It's pretty funny.
But today, when I went outside in the six degree weather to start up the car so that my precious children could be warm on the drive to school, I was thinking of a totally different meaning of "baby it's cold outside." I was thinking about friendships. Women's friendships. They are tough things. Women need women. I mean, it is our nature to be community oriented. The whole going to the bathroom together thing is a little bit of an exaggeration, but it came from our desire to bond and know others and be known. There's the rub. When we aren't known, when we feel like we are on the outside, we are COLD. We hurt. We rub our hands together. Try to stay warm, but there is something within the heart of a woman that just feels cold.
You'd think that it's because someone was mean to us. Excluded us. Made us feel badly. But in my life, I am often on the outside because I put myself there. I feel awkward or inept. I don't know what to do and instead of communicating, I just become an outsider looking in. I feel like the old Mervyn's commercial...."open, open, open." Standing on the outside of the glass with my face plastered up to the door. And I want someone else to fix it. But nobody else can. I have to open the door and come back in.
Not that we as women can't be unwelcoming. I think that we can rule. But sometimes we are just too sensitive. We walk out the door (yes, figuratively) when things get uncomfortable. And that's too bad. One thing I have to say about men..........they are a lot easier to deal with in this realm. My boys fight and then they are done. Not so with the girls. Mercy. So much emotional baggage. I love being a woman, but I really dislike this about our relationships.
Let's face it, relationships that are deep are difficult. They don't come quickly and they don't come easily. But they don't go easily either. That's what makes them so wonderful. So hang on. Stay in. Take off your coat. Sit down. Light a fire. Have a drink. (of cocoa of course). Grab a blankie. Ask for tissue. Relax. Wait out the storm. Cuz baby, it's cold outside.
blessings.

Communication Expanded

A little addendum to communication. It is paramount to remember that no human being can possibly put to words every emotion feeling or thought. They misspeak, say it wrong, muddle through trying to share the deepest parts of their hearts.....whether it be anger, pain, happiness, joy or sadness. So, it behooves ( I love that word....my grandpa used it.:)) us to listen with grace.
Sometimes the words have to be tempered by what you know to be true.
Sometimes it sounds as if the speaker is belittling us, attacking us, being unfair........and sometimes they are.......but sometimes it is best to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to communicate something and they are going to have to come at it a few different ways.
When you care about someone, don't assume that they are being mean to you. And when you are listening to your sister chick try to tell you something hard, something that is bothering her.....maybe even about you.......well, rely on the fact that you chose this friendship and that she probably has your best in mind even if she is royally blowing it.
The bottom line is that the best of friends can talk. They don't have to keep silent. The are allowed to disagree. Sigh. I know. We have all been trained that peace means agreement. I'm a rebel. Peace does not come from agreeing but from understanding. It comes from seeing who another person is AND who she is becoming. Don't be quick to be offended by someone you trust. Try to remember that you trust them. And when you hear that they shared ABOUT you to someone else, don't be quick to be angry about that either. Most of our friends really do care. They really do try. And they really are not perfect. Are you? Thought not. So, go easy. We women can be really snotty. I used a good word when a naughty word could have said it much more succinctly. One point for me.
When communicating, especially when you are on the listening side, don't shut down when it hurts. Don't hit back. Wait. Hear it out. It might come about that the other person will finally get the words just right and that it will feel a lot better than you initally thought.
I get to say all of these things because, as all of my longtime friends know, I often speak what is in my mind. And I often can't get the words right. It takes time. And patience.
If you will stick with it, stick with those sister chicks, you will have friends for life. If you don't, you will have to turn over friends every couple of years.......because that's how long it seems to take to get comfortable to say the hard things. And it takes years after that to figure out how to make each other understand the hard things. But never fear, you can love each other through those times. Be brave. Be the first in your circle. Stand up for grace in communication. Not hiding. Not silence. Not feigning that all is well. Learn to compliment (not flatter.........flattery sucks.......it's a false compliment). Learn to encourage. Tell the friends you have regularly what you like about them. Learn to see the good stuff.......and tell it. And, then when the times come, learn to say when you are hurt. Or disappointed. Or angry. Or just really emotional and really don't know why but just need..........
Love you all. You are my heroes. Be brave.
blessings.
rhonda

Remember When

Remember when the kids were little and we were asked incessantly if we had a daycare? And how every time we went into McDonald's or a food court the lady would come with her little broom and handled dustpan and clean up WHILE we were still eating? Or the various times different children have barfed in public?
Remember when we would spend hours exploring about a fourth of the zoo? And have to stop at the first place we came to for ice creams because the kids couldn't make it more than 15 minutes in the car without falling sound asleep?
Or those days by the creek......and the lake........and the ocean. So many rivers and dams built. Swings swung on. Wading. Falling in. Laughing. Picking dandelions and blowing them. Sitting silently. Talking about nothing. And everything.
Remember the funerals? The heartbreaks?
The 50 cent days at the theater? And we spent ALL day. Checking out new malls and enjoying the playgrounds? The "new" airport that we couldn't find but we were taking the kids to see?
Many many many days at the park. Picnics. Snacks. The kids picking up other people's drinks to drink? Or eating french fries from the ground?
Mud fights? Foot painting..........that turned into the kids doing body painting?
Baking cinnamon rolls and eating ALL of them.
Remember building a brick path? With pretty flowers all around. And a bench. And lots of imagination.......until, lo and behold, it became what we imagined.
Remember all of the forts? The "clubs"? The birthday parties? We have celebrated 94 kid birthdays!!
Do you remember the scrabble games that lasted hours........just playing as we would go by the board? Or talking on instant messaging when we lived long distance.
Remember the drives from Fort Collins to Longmont?
Remember the train and the lake and the geese and the ice cream cones?
Remember going camping and only having lemonade? No water. hahahhahaha. Ooops. Brushed our teeth with lemonade. Tastes terrible with toothpaste. And do you remember that four wheel drive road that we took the van on when looking for a camping spot? With........hmmmm........how many kids?
Road trips. Long and short.
The Colorado Springs Zoo in a spring snowstorm. Remember the giraffes and their long tongues and how hard everyone laughed?
Remember the adventures?
Ski trips. Going to Sunlight and watching all of our "babies" ski better than us.
Remember swim lessons?
RMCA?
Remember dressing up at Halloween? And watching to kids put makeup on each other? Never ending up being what they started out being.
Remember making a "water park" out of the back yard playset?
Remember the talent shows that always began when the day was ending and the kids were relaxed and comfortable?
The kissing phase?
The young movie makers? And editors?
Remember how old they seemed at 8?
Remember how hard kindergarten seemed?
Remember how fun it was?
Remember photo booths? Stuffed full of as many little faces as would fit?
Remember how our activities had to be free or nearly free and yet they were always SO good?
The kids climbing out the window? Onto the roof? Into the tree? Learning to ride bikes?
Oh, I remember. And those memories have given my kids a great past and foundation for the future. But, in making those memories, I gained a friend.
Ok, it's a friend who throws mud and water and whatever else, but a true friend?
Remember?
I know all of you have memories of those you have walked with as you have lived. It's pleasurable to remember when? with them. Take a little time and remind those who are your friends how much you have enjoyed the memories......could be titled "thanks for the memories."
blessings

communication

Have you ever noticed that you can communicate with some people and not with others? Ok, for some of you I might need to reword, because you are not understanding. I have learned that communication is a two way thing. You have to speak. You have to listen. And you have to confirm that you heard what someone said.....or that they understood what you said. "I am hearing you say...is that correct?" is a good way to keep things certain.
Men and women struggle because men tend to be very basic and women tend to deal a lot with innuendo and expression. And here come the problems. It's an easy problem to solve. Women need to learn to say what they are thinking/feeling with words. Men need to learn that women pick up on all of the emotional aspects.
Most difficult of all, perhaps, are women's friendships. Because they all deal with the emotional aspects of communication, sometimes things get really really intense. And sometimes communication doesn't actually occur. Feelings get all mixed up with the words and the nuances and eventually someone is hurt. It's the weirdest thing. When we women are in this situation, it's important to stop. Listen. See if you are really hearing what you thought. Ask questions. Be blunt. Be honest. Don't pretend. Don't hide. And it will be hard. But it is really good when it happens. Communication between girlfriends. It's a sweet thing.
Communication. It's not just about talking. Nor about being in the same room. It's not about agreeing. It's about caring enough to really hear. Not just the words, but what the speaker is trying to say. And it's about letting someone know what you have heard. Sometimes it can get messy. It's easier to nod and grunt. Ask my husband. But that is unsatisfying. We all need interaction. We all need to feel like we connect. But the bottom line is that it is a risk to try to really connect.
Welcome to the adventure of communication. It's more risky that sky-diving and way more satisfying. That first jump will be terrifying. But don't despair, you'll get it.
blessings.

Loving

Most of us have down loving. We know how to forgive. We know how to feel towards others. But what I'm not sure we've figured out is how to make the people we care about KNOW and FEEL like they are loved. We fall short. What good is love if it doesn't reach into another person and give them strength and courage and the sense of "I matter deeply to someone"?
I think that the part of love that is the most important is the part where it is received, where it is realized. It's kind of like being a teacher. You can stand in front of a classroom and write on the board every day. You can say the same things over and over.......but if nobody ever learns it, you have not taught.
So it is with love. We need to figure out how to communicate it, with words, actions, touch, whatever it takes. Because kids who feel loved do better. And we are all kids. All in need of love. All in need of people who reach out to us.
But it feels like we live in a culture where it's put on each individual to FIND what they are looking for in love......to initiate it......to pursue it. But the whole thing about love is that it's a gift. And it loses its specialness if we have to make it happen or be the constant initiator or try to make sure our needs our met.
This season is particularly full of people in need of love. Real love. The kind that changes their lives. Look at the people closest to you. Look at those not at close. And with each group, make the effort to do the reaching. The good news is that maybe those who are looking at you will be doing the same.
blessings.

Sweet Sorrow

Frankly, sorrow has never seemed sweet. Parting in such sweet sorrow has always seemed a strange saying. And yet, it has grown on me. For there is a time when parting is sweet though it carries sorrow. When parting means the end of earthly pain in someone's life.........the end of a fight with cancer, the end of fighting to take a breath, the end of not being able to walk or go to the bathroom or feed themselves.
And while it doesn't make it one bit easier for those of us left here, the sweetness lies in the memories. It lies in knowing that we loved dearly and were loved in return. The sweetness does not diminish the sorrow, the grief. As a matter of fact, I feel like it makes it even a deeper sorrow. But the sorrow is balanced by those memories, by the knowledge that we walked closely with another human being until the very end.
Dick Bunger's funeral was today. Many of you don't even know him. I can't claim to know him as some did. But he behaved as if he knew me. He acted as if I was of value. He gave me time. He listened when the world fell apart. At one point he listened to me as I spoke of how unfair life was. And he didn't say that he wasn't. He knew that I just had to express it. And he took me into his little office and let me. Gave me some water. Gave me hugs. Reminded me to love. And that I was loved. That he was there.
Another time I was getting he and Lauretta ready to have a garage sale of which they were giving proceeds to a team of families going to Alaska to minister to the Wilsons. I was nervous. I had to spend a lot of time at their house with my very young five children. I shouldn't have been so nervous. They were both dear. I remember how Dick reached out to Isaiah. Isaiah didn't like hardly anyone at that point. But Dick pursued him. He made him smile. He talked to all of them. He chased them in the yard. He PLAYED. The pastor played. With my kids. And gave them soda.
He was amazing. Always willing to do work. Always willing to hug. Always willing to be available. Always visiting those in the hospital.
So, today is a sweet sorrow day. Knowing that this side of heaven there will be no new memories with Mr. Bunger. Only old ones to remember. Old challenges to finish up.
I can totally see him being a greeter at the gate of heaven for all of those who have known him...the crowd will be immense and he will greet them as if they were expected and waited for. With a sly little smile. And a heart full of love.
Thanks be to God for allowing Dick Bunger to enter into our lives!

Pull up those boot straps.......whatever that means

My grandma was the queen of stoicism. When my grandfather died, she quipped, "he's better off," when I tried to tell her how sorry I was that she was alone. No emotion allowed. No depression. No grief. It was considered grown up and mature to be thus. And I was pretty good at it for many years. Not much could rock me. I had come up through a rough life, and I was adept at adapting and going on.
However, for me, when my grandfather died, I came face to face with horrible grief. I shudder even now to think of it. But, I did a pretty good job of stuffing it. Going on. Making do. Taking care of grandma. Taking care of the family. Talking about how he was in a better place. All of the christianeze. But I broke inside. And I couldn't be made right. Not then.
Fast forward five years. My grandmother died. I became, overnight, the matriarch of my line of the family. My mother died when I was young, now my grandmother. No more people above me being the prayer warriors and watch dogs of the family. Wow. It was as intense of an emotion as I had ever experienced. But this time, I was ready for grief. I stopped. I grieved. I felt like I heard God tell me to just experience it. Feel it. Cry. Laugh. Went to the ocean. Walked for hours. Collected shells. Listened. Experienced the power of the waves and the tide. And breathed. Took for real deep breaths. I think that a lot of people walk around breathing shallowly, always afraid that one big breath is going to cause them to explode. My grandma's death was particularly hard because she had not told me that she loved me. I had always been a disappointment to her. Never stylish. Never creative. Never the hostess she thought that I should be. My dishes were inadequate, my cooking perhaps moreso. And I grieved the loss of the opportunity to ever hear that she finally thought that I was good just as I was.
And now, I know something. Grieving. Hurting. Going through what we are actually going through without stuffing it or minimizing it is what really allows us to grow and change and mature. The stuffing of circumstances does not allow us to learn the lessons that we need to. Instead we learn how to hide. How to keep our pride intact. I believe that therapists call it engaging the moment. Being fully engaged in pain HURTS. Duh. Of course it does. It is supposed to. But hurting is not always bad. It's ok to walk through hurt. As long as you keep on walking. And sometimes you have to stop as you are walking and really experience it. You have to let yourself actually feel the emotions that you were created with and that is terrifying. The depth of loss that we can actually experience can knock us off our feet. It can put us to bed. It can drive us to a time of unproductiveness. And, horror of horrors, I'm going to say it, heresy......that's just fine. Stopping is good. Being crushed and living through it allows us to walk uniquely and honestly with others. When you have faced the big things, the world is not such a scary place anymore. There is something about facing your fears and surviving that makes you stronger. If you always avoid your fears, they just keep building up until one day, they debilitate you.
I am not one of those people who walks around all negative. Quite the opposite. I like being positive. I like finding solutions. However, sometimes, the only solution is to stop and engage the present pain or anger or heartache. Funny how we feel so badly about allowing ourselves to do so. Perhaps especially with anger. But once faced, those feelings lose their hold on our lives.
So, perhaps you need a trip to the beach. Or a mountain top. Or the desert. Or the garden. Or a cabin in the woods. Or the lake. Or wherever it is that stops you. That makes you look around. That brings you hope. A place where you can hear the still small voice that says, "I am still here, and I love you. I'm sorry that you hurt." And in that hearing, you can heal.
love you.
blessings,
rhonda

Fog!!!

This morning was a strange Colorado morning. A heavy, misty fog lay over our yard and drive. The windows were completely frozen up on the van. I went out and cleaned the windows and warmed up the van. Then my son and I took off for his school about seven miles away. And the fog got deeper. Seeing became difficult. The windows were clear, but the clouds were thick on the ground. Thankfully, we drive all of the way on a state highway with no turns. About two miles from the school, we suddenly drove out of the fog. And I told my son that it's like that in life sometimes. When the fog seems deepest it's important not to turn away; not to turn back. You never know when it's going to be bright and sunshiney.
But you know, the thing about my morning is that I have to turn around, go back home and then do it all over again with my next three kids. When I reentered the foggy area, I was stunned. The fog was deeper and thicker and visibility was even lower than before. I lost sense of where I was within the five miles. Completely never saw the one stoplight on my way home. Squinting. Looking. Searching for the way home. I missed my turn. I realized it after I missed the second turn and came to a light and knew I was past my house. I turned to go around the block and come in the neighborhood the other way. I missed that turn too. The fog was just too thick to see the road to take a left turn onto it. So, I turned around. Went back to the light. Set myself up to be taking a right hand turn because it would be closer to my road. Creeped along. And just as I was on it, I saw the sign and took the turn. Relief. Headed home. I had persevered.
And I thought of all of the people that I see that are that lost. That hopeless. That tired of looking. Scared. Unable to see the way. Not knowing which way to turn. And my heart broke. So many. Lost in the fog of abuse. or physical pain. or addiction. or grief. or loss. But, I realized that I can be the sun. Because though that fog was thick, the sun was rising. And within just a short time the roads were clear, the sun was shining and everything looked different. I want to be the one who helps to burn off the fog. Who stays. Who hopes for the hopeless. Though I might shiver a bit, I don't want them to be lost alone.
blessings,
rhonda

Costumes

What a fun time of year this is. Looking around, I find myself constantly surprised and amused. I love hearing my kids plan what to be and how to do it. We don't really go out and purchase costumes, we do the old fashioned thing and put together out of boxes of cast offs and such. It's really fun and creative.

But today, I was wondering if the "costume" that I wear as an adult is what I planned as a child. Usually, I still feel like I'm rummaging around in the box at the last minute, trying to decide what to be. I mean, I decide but then it seems too hard, or impossible to achieve, or not right. And I change my mind. Or maybe because everyone else will think it's stupid and make fun of me. Aren't we still just kids at heart?

And maybe, the scariest costume of all is just going as myself. Not looking for some way to cover up. Not searching for what will please or cause envy. Simply just being. Not much fun for Halloween, but certainly a good thing for life. Because costumes are good for a day or two a year but then they become cumbersome. All of that make-up and fake hair and blood and bulky clothing and masks that keep me from seeing and breathing. They are only fun for the sake of fun. Don't want to live there.

I love you all. Just like you are.
blessings,
rhonda

The ER part two......or is it one?

Well before the last written about ER visit, I was summoned to a friend's home as she was on her hands and knees, throwing up, in severe pain. I went, wiped her face and got her in the car and we headed for the ER about 20 miles away that is on her Kaiser plan.
She could hardly sit in the car. I think, actually that she might have been in the back. Staying upright was nearly impossible. However, the vomitting had helped to alleviate some of the pain for a little while.
About the time we entered the hospital, another attack began. She hit the floor. No, she didn't faint, she hit her hands and knees in pain. Apparently, the only bearable position was on all fours kind of crouched. And, being a good friend, I did not walk away.
When she was able, we got her checked in. And again, all of the questions have to be asked.......insurance, drug allergies, drugs taking, level of pain.....on and on. For pete's sake, "didn't you just see her on the floor? Can't you infer the level of pain from that? I mean, seriously, how many grown women would hit the floor in the lobby of a busy hospital?" No, I didn't say it, I was polite.
They had us in a room fairly quickly. Put her in a gown. Put her on a gurney. Went to get the IV that seems to part and parcel of any trip to the ER. While they were gone, the attack intensified and gown and all, she was up on her hands and knees mooning whomever should walk in.......I confess, I laughed. I tried not to. I was there to be supportive, but oh my gosh. How to even put that into words.
By the time they medicated her, she was in excruciating pain. More questions as they give the drug.....I know that they have to, but I am amazed at how dumb it seems at the moment. And then, the sweet release from pain. Rubbing her back as her body finally began to relax. Falling asleep in the darkened room leaning on the railing of the gurney. Praying. Thankful.
There is nothing more satisfying than having pain end. Oh, a pain free life seems good, but when there has been no pain you don't fully appreciate the lack of pain. It's in that moment of greatest pain, when even more is being asked of you than you think that you can possibly endure when you are begging for release that you see how good it is to be freed from the pain. And you are willing to endure even more pain to get the release. "Oh please, put in the needle, the big long needle. Push in that stinging, burning medicine." At no other time would you be wanting that. But when you are in the worst pain, the hope of what the medicine will bring allows you to face just a little bit more.
So it is in life. When life is most painful sometimes you have to face just a little bit more pain before you can be done with it. Sometimes you have to face your greatest fear, make a new start, make a new decision, change. And it's painful. But when the release from pain comes, it is all worth it. It feels so much better than before you experienced the pain in the first place. Relief. Thankfulness. Gratitude. And it changes you forever.
Embrace where you are. Even in pain. Look forward with hope to the end, but go ahead and live in it. If you learn from it, it is a lesson that you will carry with you and that you will be able to share with others.
For instance, we now know that that kind of pain often indicates a gall bladder attack.
blessings,
rhonda

Writers Block

Frankly, I've never really had writer's block in the traditional sense. However, at times I have difficulty writing because of the intensity of what is going on inside of me. This last couple of weeks have been that way. I went to a women's seminar that talked about Lazarus....the raising of him from the dead. Christian or not, most people have heard the story. But this story has really gotten me thinking. He was called out of the tomb and then Jesus told the people to "unbind him". And there he would have been, stinking to the sky, naked, in front of all of the people in his town. And it met a huge need in him. And it met a huge need in the people.
I've been thinking about how important it is for us to be that vulnerable in our lives. No masks. No hiding. And how in our vulnerability it will help other people to grow. I feel so much better when I see other real people. They must feel better to see me too. But still, it's easier to hide.
It's easier to not share the hard stuff.
And our culture condones that. Hold it in. Look good. "It's alright". But, it's not. Sometimes things are not alright. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes our troubles seem too big. Even if they aren't real. Even if they are just things that we are afraid might happen.
But when we look at someone we love and say, " I am really afraid that......." and put ourself at their mercy, it changes us. And if they are the best kind of friend, they respond, "that's so stupid." But you know that they understand. And you know that they love you. And then the fear goes away. It has no more power.
So, try it. Say the hard things. Face with courage those things that scare you most and let people in on who you are. Don't worry, they will disappoint you. And you them. But overall, our friends have good motives. And it's always worth trying. And trying again.
blessings,
rhonda

Sista Chicks Go to the ER

You know, they say that a woman can't go to the bathroom by herself....all of the girlfriends get up at once and go as a group. I mean, why waste all of that visiting time when you can be chatting while washing up, combing your hair, applying your lipstick? Really, I don't know why women tend to have a group mentality, but I know it must exist. The other day, a Sunday, to be precise, one of my friends was having excruciating pain in her jaw, teeth, face.....you know the kind of pain that doesn't allow you to sleep or hardly even breathe. As usual, the crowd was gathered for the Sunday meal and stayed for the fun visiting time afterward. Ok, fun visiting time is sometimes everyone dozes off for awhile. So, while we moms were dozing, the kids were playing poker and things were going pretty well. Except in the midst of my resting time, my friend keeps whimpering. She applies heat, takes copious amounts of pain reliever and there is no relief in sight.



So, I begin asking her if we should take her to urgent care. I had never seen her take a tylenol before. She has a huge tolerance to pain. But she doesn't want to go in..........until about 6:15. So, we get ready to go.......all three moms. And my eldest son says, "it takes all of you to go to the urgent care?" "Well, yeah, of course." But urgent care is closed and we end up at the emergency room after convincing her that she can't put up with this kind of pain until the next day.
Being persistent women, we drive across to the ER. You have to understand that at this point she is barely functioning.
And then the questions begin: age, insurance, kind of pain, allergies, all of the big stuff. While we are standing in front of a desk with her holding her face barely able to speak. So, my other friend tells them that she needs a hot pack. And we start talking for her. They have two computers going to make it faster. Then we go sit in the waiting room on the very uncomfy chairs. People in pain need comfort, but ER's never have it. Boring tv is playing. My friend is moaning quietly. My other friend takes her head and rests in on her shoulder. I think, "we should get a hot pack." My friend says, I already asked for one for her.
I get up and go to the desk. "My friend really needs a hot pack."
"I'll see if I can find someone who knows how to make one."
Isn't that a bad answer in a hospital emergency room??? Nonetheless, it arrived a few minutes later bringing only a small amount of relief.
Finally we are called to the back and they put her on the gurney. And again........the list of questions. This time we answer.
Then they leave the room and leave us there waiting. About now is when I mention the IV that is inevitably coming. And she looks like she will bolt. But she simply can't.
The nurse comes back and does a great job at setting up the IV and then puts in the phentonyl. And you know what? It didn't give her relief!!! So they came and gave her another shot. And it barely relaxed her.
THEN the doctor came in and........you guessed it..........started asking her questions. The one thing the drug affected was her brain. So, again we answered. What kind of process drugs you and then asks you questions?
Well, it has been stressful, so my cohort and I, after everyone else has left the room, do a little bunny foo foo song and dance for her. Healing, right? Of all of the things that happened that day, this one she remembers. And we got a warm blankie and covered her up. And my cohort massaged the painful part of her head. And we sat with her.
Someone came back and gave her a couple of steroids and a couple of percocet and said they would send her home. She was still in pain.......a bit manageable.....incredibly drugged....but still hurting. A lot.
But, we gather her up. Walk to the check out where they ask for a check in her drugged/pained state. Get our prescription. And off we go to the pharmacy. I go in. I answer the questions. I submit the prescription. And we realize that we were given the scrip for the steroid but NOT the pain medicine.
So, we head back to the ER. My friend has already called and when we get there she goes in and gets the thing that we really needed for all of that time. We take our friend home.
She goes to bed. I talk to her husband while he drives us back to our cars at my house. He is picking up the meds and will watch over her.
I call him later and tell him to make sure he wakes her up every four hours and gives her the medicine so that the pain will at least be manageable. And he does. And he is greatful to hear what he should do.
And it was a day where someone was cared for. And cherished. And advocated for. And though the doctors didn't do all I wished, I have long since realized that sometimes just the simple acts of love of those around us are most healing. Though we still feel pain, we can cope. Being loved and taken care of IS the best medicine. It gives hope.
Now, she doesn't believe that while she was drugged she danced around naked. She thinks I'm just messing with her. We'll never really know, will we???
blessings,
rhonda

Where Is God?

I am kind of amazed, as you may be, that whenever anything goes wrong, horribly wrong, people of all walks ask, "where is God?" It seems to be our nature to blame something or someone. And in times of loss. Of death. Of abandonment. Of great pain. Of job loss. Of famine. Of tragedy.....in all of those times, it's easy to ask, "where is God?"
But today I was thinking and it struck me. The Bible says "God is good." It doesn't say God does good or God likes good or God applauds good. It is a present tense verb....God IS good. You mean, like beauty? Or warmth? Or shelter? Or drink? Or love? Or peace? Or light? All good. All that is good. Every little thing comes from Him.
Without good there would be fire but no warmth or light. Without good only destruction. Without good anarchy and self reign. Without good we are lost.
But in the trials, troubles and struggles, we still have good. All is not bad. There is still light. Still warmth. Still beauty and colors and textures. Maybe instead of viewing God as the one who allows these bad things, I should be viewing Him as the one who actually provides the good and sane things in the midst of it all. View Him as the underlying reason that I even know that there should be good.
Just a thought.
blessings,
rhonda

It's a Big Big World

Remember when it was so exciting to enter the big world? It was as if anything and everything was possible. College was a marvel. I mean, all of the fun of being grown up without having quite so much responsibility. No kids. No husband. Just classes, work and me. And the world had so much to offer. Travel. Romance. Fun. Entertainment. Knowledge. And spiritually it was such a good growing time too.
When I was young, the idea of a big world was exciting and adventurous. I like the idea of experiencing it. I still do. But sometimes, the world seems too big. It seems like the heartaches and troubles overtake the joys, adventures and dreams. I'm not sure what changed. Actually, I am pretty sure. I have more people that I am responsible for. I have more people to hope for, to believe in, to feel their aches and pains as deeply as my own.
But, though the world seems too big sometimes, it is still not spinning out of control. The one who was in control still is in control. It hasn't changed. I have had to learn that sometimes people hurt. Much to my dismay. Don't you hate it when people you love hurt??? And sometimes they do things that hurt themselves. That isn't too fun either. But you keep on loving. I keep on loving. Though the pain in this big world is more than I ever imagined.
But by experiencing more pain, I have felt joy more deeply. The good is SO good. It is such a blessing. When a kid makes a right decision or something goes great for a friend. It's filling. It's satisfying. We can't control or manipulate. We can walk with and talk with and enjoy the people, but they make their own choices and choose their own ways. People are a gift to us. People are the number one source of growth in my life. Yes, for good reasons and not so good of reasons.
Lately, and for quite some time, the world has simply seemed too big. I kinda just want to grab a blankie and curl up and let it pass by for awhile. But, that's not going to happen. Ever notice if it's bad it tends to get worse? And I grow. And I change. And I learn how to hope when I don't see the answers. Because the thing is this: I am glad that it's a big world. I am glad that there are lots of choices and relationships and hopes and dreams.......even if sometimes it means that all of those things are hurtful. I love the creativity and spontaneity. I love how every person is different, though that causes strife. I love that there is a challenge. Love that every single person is facing the exact same challenge and handling it differently......the challenge of walking in the present circumstances that they find themselves.
It's a big world. You can fear it or you can embrace it, pain and all. Your choice. You get to choose for you. But I've learned......you don't have to be afraid of the pain, it simply makes the good better. Like sweet and sour. Or sweet and salty. Taste life. Live. What else do you have to do with your time???
blessings,
rhonda

Blame

One of the most consistent and insidious things about human nature is the propensity to blame. I am not talking about responsibility taking or giving; I am talking about the unique way that human keep from accepting responsibility or feeling inadequate by shifting blame instead of taking responsibility. It's a sad condition that seems to worsen with the passing of years and generations. Or perhaps it is in aging that I see it more clearly.
Maybe it's because instead of viewing mistakes as stepping stones, we view them as reasons to punish, so in order to avoid punishment, people blame someone else to escape. I am not sure of all of the psychology. I do know that blame has permeated every eschelon of our society. Politics is particularly noteworthy. And Hollywood. And professional athletes. Those who are front and center and examples for those coming behind. They do not take responsibility for the most part, they blame shift.
Having so many kids at home allows me to observe the phenomenon first hand. Nobody is ever at fault. Well, they are, but will not admit it. Because if they do, they associate it with blame and punishment. So, as a kind of joke several years ago, we began choosing a person of the week to blame for things. No matter what happens, they are "blamed". And we laugh. It's just silly. But it works. It sets our minds off of blame because that has already been determined and back on responsibility. It allows some freedom to own a mistake or a choice without feeling belittled.
Blame is rampant. It is human nature. Even thinking to Biblical times, the sacrifice of the scape goat.....the one who was "blamed" for all of the sins of the nation. So, I know that it is our nature through all time to have a need to cast off our burdens. But before we cast them off, we have to take a responsibility for them. We have to learn to say "I did that, I chose that, I was wrong." Therein is the trouble. Nobody in our culture likes to be wrong. But if everyone is right, then there is no standard. Thinking about the current spiritualism and how "if it's right for me, then it's right," seals that opinion. But can everybody truly be "right"? Can the sun be yellow and purple. Can it be hot and cold. Does it matter what I think or does it matter what is? All of that is a little philosophical for me, but I am learning that there are some things that are wrong. Stealing. Lying. Murdering. And some lesser things that make a household run.......like unthoughtfulness, making messes for others to clean up, endangering people by being selfish, taking and not giving.
But the thing is this: we don't have to teach a lifestyle of BLAME, we need to teach a lifestyle of RESPONSIBILITY. It needs to be ok to take responsibility for an action and commit to changing. Without others feeling to need to blame. And when we are responsible for an action, we need to quit sidestepping and trying to blame someone else. It's not healthy for anyone. It becomes an intricate game. I did those drugs because you didn't give me what I needed. No, you did those drugs because you chose the easy way out. You chose not to face the difficulties of rebuilding a relationship. You chose escape. Now, would you like to make a different choice?
I wrecked the car because that car pulled in front of me. You were going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit. But he pulled in front of me. If you were going the speed limit, you would have been able to stop. Or even if you hadn't, then it would have been their responsibility and not yours. But because you were doing something illegal, you are responsible. But I don't deserve the ticket. You deserve whatever the law says you get for that action. Anything else is grace.
I wouldn't have killed that man if he would have just given me the money. You were stealing. You are responsible. No, he could have just given me the stupid money and I would have left. You started the scenario by your choice. But that's not what I meant to happen. But it did because of what you did. You are responsible.
Perhaps because of our desire to issue so much blame, we have pushed people away from taking responsibility. Whatever it is, it is imperative that we all learn to say, "I was wrong, how can I work toward making it right?" That will make a much better world. It will make a place that's safe to grow and learn. And, it will keep the focus from being on who to blame.
So, who can we blame for how we got here? :)
blessings,
rhonda

Little Bunny Foo Foo

We live in a semi-country neighborhood. We are in what is called "the county"......not part of any city. Everyone here has more than half an acre and some way more. In the last years, a development to our north has been trying to get started building homes on an acre or more. However, with the economy and all, things are slow going. But a couple of years ago they plowed under the lush field and added the infra-structure of streets and power and water. You cannot possibly imagine how much wildlife lived in that field.
The number of bunnies alone is stunning. Well, now that there is no brush, no trees, no hole to hide in, the bunnies have moved to our neighborhood. There are literally dozens of bunnies out in the morning on the way to take the kids to school. They seem to have adapted to the home bushes and holes under porches and clubhouses just fine.
But I have learned a lesson. Bunnies are dumb. Really cute, but not too smart. First of all, they go hopping right in front of the car back and forth.....all scattering from wherever they were eating by the road...as soon as a car is going by. This creates a bunny maze. Now, I do know that the scattering and zig zagging is a survival skill when a coyote or fox or mountain lion comes around. Even works for owls, hawks and eagles. It's not so good when it comes to cars. And what's strange is that never seem to learn.
We had a dog get hit by a car once......and only once........she lived and she never went in that road again. She learned by her mistake.
Well, the other way that bunnies protect themselves is by being very still, pretending to be invisible. And sometimes that works. This morning on the way to school, one bunny opted for this survival technique. Right in the middle of the road. It's not like a bunny can blend in to the asphalt. That does work near the bushes. But right in the middle of the road with the big green van bearing down, this bunny froze. I got very close and stopped before the bunny went hopping off to safety. Dumb bunny.
But I'm kind of like those bunnies. Way back somewhere in life, I learned ways to survive. They became a part of me. I carry them with me as habits and traditions. They are what I fall back on when I am frightened or angry. But some of those habits don't work in the world I live in now. Throwing myself down on the floor kicking and screaming at work will not get me a free pass to a raise, but it might get me a pass to lock-up. Using put downs to make others look worse and I can look better might have worked with siblings, but it certainly doesn't work within a grown-up setting. The silent treatment works ok if you are four, but at this point in life, I am responsible for building AND maintaining relationships. There's nobody else around to fix relational problems but me. No mama or daddy to complain to (at least, I hope not by this stage). No teacher to punish so and so for hurting my feelings. Nobody gets sent to the corner because they didn't treat me fairly. Life has changed. And I have to change. I have to grow up. I have to learn.
But like the bunnies, when I get really scared, I tend to revert back to things that worked so well in childhood. Only in an adult world, it just makes things worse. I have to adapt. I have to think. I have to pray. I have to seek the right answer for each situation. I have to forge new paths. And when I do, I find that life really is more pleasant than I remembered.....even in the midst of the hard times.
Don't be a dumb bunny. Learn new habits. Better ways. Don't let your fear trap you in past behaviors.
blessings,
rhonda

Under Construction

The roads near my house are under construction. No kidding, no matter which way I go to head into town, I hit road construction, one lane, delays, big equipment, road closed. I can't even leave my neighborhood using my own street this week. I have to go around the block the wrong direction. But, I forget. And I go the way I always go, and I have to turn around at the "road closed" sign, feeling like an idiot.
My life is much like that right now. It seems like much of it is under construction. It's a waiting to be finished time. I can see how good it's going to be when it's all done, but just like the road work, there are a lot of inconveniences.
Things like depression. Not clinical. Just the blues. Wanting to find that perfect job. Wanting to contribute. Wanting to feel like I am being productive.
And my health. I keep praying for better, but it's in a holding pattern. So, I wait on that too.
And Joe went to college. And some days, I still look around for him. And cry when I realize how foolish that is.:) Very happy for him, just another place that is under construction.
And finances. Gosh, closing a business isn't cheap. Nor college. Nor nose surgery when your nose gets broken. It all adds up fast. And, see above, I am unemployed.:)
And friends. I am not doing that so well. Don't get me wrong, my friends would never tell you that. I have the good sense to pick really nice friends. But I am just not as strong as I need to be sometimes. Things have been rocky in some way for almost every friend I have. From kid troubles, marriage troubles, work lay offs, moving.......you name it, we've done it in the last year.
This is not complaining. I am trying to lay out for you very clearly what road blocks might look like in real life. They are sometimes big and sometimes small, but they always require a change. Whether it's taking a different route or simply slowing down, that is the question. But the thing is this: when something is under construction, it is changing. And you have to change and adapt or you get in a bad place. For instance, the other night I left my neighborhood and turned into the far lane. As I travelled, I realized that someone had missed the "real" lane and had driven in the center where the lane used to be....they hit a curb.....airbag....flat tires.....all because they missed the lane.
I do that in life. I get in my rut. I like the same old same old. I want things to be predictable. I like surprises, but not the kind that make me..........gasp..........have to CHANGE!!But when the roads are under construction, I am forced to change my routines. And with my life under construction, I have to do the same. And it's good news. See, I write more now. I should always write, it's who I am. But I had gotten into a different routine and failed to do what helps me most. And I have to figure out new ways to relate and interact. I have to grow. And stretch. And learn. And it's a pain. Just like waiting in the road construction. I hate to wait for the guy to turn the sign.......and it goes from stop to slow. Sigh. I want to GO. I want things to be like the interstate.
But life doesn't work that way. Life is full of things that need work and effort. And yes, change. And some things never change: like people who love me, and a God who loves me, and the fact that life is always worth living. But I must change if I'm going to remain on the road. I must slow down at times and pay attention to where the road is going. I need to see if it's the right way and if it's not, I need to take a turn. I need to make decisions. And then do something about them.
I have to say, I am awesomely blessed in people who care for me. I never walk alone. Oh, sometimes it feels like it. I have to have a pity party now and then. Complete with junk food and balloons. But most of the time, though I have not performed nor deserved, I am surrounded by people who, even in my darkest moments, love me.
Life is full of construction. Get friendly with the workers. Wave and embrace the time to slow down. It beats flipping the finger and speeding off into unknown disaster. So it is in living.
blessings,
rhonda

Damaged

Today I was thinking how easily we are damaged in life. I have been damaged. Pains. Betrayals. Unkindnesses. Dashed hopes. Failed plans. Mean people. Bad hair days. Fat days. Fighting. Failing. Stumbling. Misunderstandings. Mistakes. Mistrust. So many actions and inactions that cause us to doubt, retreat, hurt and sometimes give up.
And I was then wondering, "when will I be better?" "When will the damage be repaired?" And it struck me. It won't. Ever. The damage is there as permanently as the dent in our van. Once struck, it has never gone away. But the van still runs. Still takes us faithfully from place to place......for nearly 300,000 miles. To beautiful beaches on both coasts. To school. Estate sales. Work. Family reunions. Through the years that van has suffered even more dings and scratches and things that have made it less than pretty. I can't tell you how many kids have thrown up in it. Or spilled milk or juice. We repair it. Maintain it. Drive it. And it does it's job.
I'm just like that old van. I'll never be the same. I'm not supposed to be. When a friend betrays you, it damages you. But the damage doesn't have to keep you from being productive and useful. Just because a friend has completely betrayed you or a spouse has declared you invaluable or a child has rebelled or you simply can't get rid of that last 40 pounds doesn't mean that life ends. It does probably mean that you will never be the same as you were before.
But it's ok to be different. Maybe scars are really beauty marks of sorts. Painfully earned. If you learn how to walk through them. It's not easy. Listen carefully: you cannot pretend it didn't happen. You cannot ignore it. You might have to grieve. You will have to embrace whatever it is as a part of your life. A part of your story. But by learning to grieve, by living through, by continuing to do what you were created to do, your scars become beautiful. They become helpful to others walking the journey.
You know how good it feels to know that others are flawed too.:) It's true. Nobody feels good around the person who seems completely perfect. Every person in the world feels inadequate around someone who seems unscarred. Look closely; unscarred people do not exist. If it does not show, it is somewhere deeper. The thing about life is that it hurts. I am not a pessimist. Actually, I'm pretty optimistic. But the one thing I have absolutely learned and observed is that every person hurts. Gets hurt. Struggles. Is disappointed. Is betrayed. So when it comes to you, what are you going to do with it?
Make it work for you. Let it just become a part of your story. Keep being who you are supposed to be. If you have to step back from some things for a time, just admit it. If you feel weaker or vulnerable, own that too. Yep, I'm damaged. I bet you are too.
I'm gonna be like my old, reliable van. It might not be so pretty, but it is useful and has brought lots of joy to many people. And sometimes it embarrasses me that it's so ugly. So dated. But so what? Why do we worry so much how things look? Like our lives. Are you going to remain useful and joyful or are you going to worry about how to look good in front of everybody and stuff all of your scars deep away where nobody can ever see them? Let me tell you, they won't see your scars but they will see the results. And the results without the story are bad. They don't help anyone else. They don't bring joy. And they aren't pretty.
So, if you see me limping a bit or looking a little battle worn, it's true. But it's ok. It's just a part of my story.
blessings,
rhonda

Education and Growing Up

I have a scary hope for my kids. I hope that they graduate from high school and do well enough to go on to college or a trade school. I hope that they have dreams and pursue them. I hope that they take those college years to learn who they are and what kind of people they want to be. I hope they invest time in learning about others. It's a scary hope because it's my dream for them. It may not be what they want nor what they do. They might drop out and become the best employee Western Disposal has. Or they might get married very young. They might get pregnant and have to be responsible for another. There are so many things that are really not in my control.
But I am allowed to hope. Even if it scares me that I'll be really disappointed if they make different life choices. What I have to figure out is how to hope for them and with them and still make them know that there is no choice that they will ever make that will make them any less mine. While I hope and dream, I need to tap into their dreams too. I need to give them the space to have their own visions.
My dreams for my kids are purposefully kind of vague. What I want for them is experiences that will grow them as people before they commit to their own family. I want them to find out how to do relationships well before they walk down the aisle. Ha. Nobody is ever really ready. Nobody will ever really know how to do marriage well until they are in that place. But still, I have the hope that they will have life experiences that will be their own. Dreams that are their own. Not mine. Not their dads. Not their spouses. Their very own.
That's a hard thing to do as a mama. Dream for them and believe in them to be the very best they can ever be.......and yet let them go and live their own dreams and be even more proud of them than if they had lived out my dream for them. Did you get all of that? I have to learn to be most proud of them finding their own dreams. Their own goals. Once they get there, my job is nearing completion. It means they are walking in a direction. Making choices.
It's important for kids to get to that point. The point where they are making plans and dreams of their own. Too many kids get caught up in someone else's dreams; parents, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend. And while those dreams aren't necessarily bad or wrong, they are only helpful if the kid himself really wants it.
I think that my kids were created with purpose. Were created to be and do certain things that really rock their boat. I mean, they can do lots of things, but there are some things that will actually make them on fire. I want to see them each find that. And let me tell you, that's a challenge because all of our kids are as different from one another as you can possibly imagine.
My dream is that they will dream. Dream big or small or whatever. And that I will have the wherewithal to stand with them in their dream and support them. I don't mean if they are drug dealers or something illegal. But I mean respecting what is in their minds and hearts. What's the worst that can happen? They might fail. Oh well. Their failing doesn't scare me. It scares me that I need to be the kind of mom that they feel like they can tell that they failed. That they can mess up big and it can be ok.
I see a lot of kids afraid to try something big. I wonder why. I mean, "you're young, you have your whole life to figure it out." But I think I'm beginning to understand. The thing is this. No matter what kids look like on the outside. No matter how popular or how unpopular. No matter their style or lack of style. Every kid is wanting to please someone. Deep down inside every kid wants someone to think that they are de bomb. But most of them don't. Even the really good kids. It's like we adults always keep that standard just a little out of reach so that they are always just trying to tiptoe around in life trying not to fail. They spend all of their time trying to impress those teachers and coaches and parents.......needing so desperately to be affirmed. What if we affirmed who they are? Affirmed their dreams? Told them that we believe in them and their choices. Know that they will make mistakes and that's ok. This generation hides in self. They behave as if the only thing that matters is what they think and what they think is right for them. But watch more closely. Watch how they stand a little taller, smirk a little less, smile a little more........when you simply let them know that you are glad that they are.
I knwo a kid that wants to be a piercing artist. And he would be good at it. Now, I don't really like all of the piercings. They seem painful and uncomfortable. But hey, I know this: he studies and works at learning all about the body (biology/anatomy) to figure out how to be the best. He learns about math by symmetry. And art..balance. If he chooses this profession, then I want him to be the best one possible. I think he can be, too. He is amazing. But the thing is.......I don't think that he knows he's amazing. I think that adults have made him feel as if he has to fight the world instead of enjoy the world.
What if instead of imposing my dreams on the kids in my life, what if I simply learned and listened to theirs? What if I let them know that I really believe that they can learn and do most anything? What if I gave them the freedom to fail. I mean to really fall flat. And to get up and try again.......without me telling them how badly they already failed.
I do tell my kids that I want to see them fail at some goals. If you never fail, you are playing it way too safe. You aren't trying anything challenging. You are staying with the status quo.
I've been talking about kids. Now, I'm talking about you. What are you doing with your hopes and dreams? Are you too afraid to fail? Why? Do you STILL hear those voices from when you were younger? If you do, then you realize what a huge responsibility it is to be an adult in a kids' life. Give hope. Give encouragement. They will do some stupid stuff, but far and away, when given the freedom to grow, most people soar. They do great and wonderful things.
blessings,
rhonda

Relationships and Outhouses

Do any of you go hiking? Or camping? Or driving over Trail Ridge Road? Do any of you remember the outhouses that are actually dug into the ground, not metal receptacles that are moved from place to place? I remember. I remember how my daughter at age 3 waited two days to go potty. No way was she using the big black hole. And I remember vividly the wonderful outhouse up close to the top of Trail Ridge Road. We were foster parents and were taking the kids over the pass. Well, one had an emergency. And, of course, no bathrooms, no trees........young boy waiting as patiently as possible. We came around the curve and saw that outhouse and it was the most beautiful site. You know the kind, painted dark brown. One seater. The kids all tumbled out and Michael ran for the bathroom. He came out and threw up. Apparently it was full to the top. Really gross. All of the boys had to go and see. And comment. That outhouse went from blessing to curse in all of two minutes.

Relationships are a lot like outhouses. They are necessary. They are useful. They are really a blessing when you need them. And they can get all filled up with stuff that makes them not useful at all. Just like an outhouse, a relationship needs to be kept cleaned out. That means talking stuff out. Getting out the shovel and heave hoing the bad stuff that makes it stinky. It means not letting things build up.

Some people used to just move their outhouse when it got "full". Some people treat relationships that way. When one relationship gets too full of garbage,(i know it's not garbage, but I wasn't sure if I should say poop.) the person just moves on to another relationship......until it gets full and then moves again......and again.....and again.........for a lifetime. Can you imagine your property if you did that with outhouses? If they were never cleaned out. Never emptied. Just keep building another one. EW. Imagine the smell you would live with all of the time. Relationships begin to stink when they are left untended too. And though people can continually go to new relationships, all that happens is that by the end of life they have a bunch of stinky relationships instead of some good, healthy, cleaned out relationships.

I don't know anyone who wants to clean out an outhouse. But I know that there are people who do. They put on special boots and masks and have equipment to get rid of the sludge. I gag just thinking about it. I do not think I could lower my body into an outhouse. Gross. But it's nearly as hard to face bad things in a relationship. Especially if we let it go too long. The longer it goes, the more impossible the task seems. I mean, there comes a point where a shovel isn't going to help. You can't possibly lower yourself in or you will drown.

All of that said, in relationships, it's easier to take care of the stinky things one at a time. Keep it clean and fresh all of the time. It's also nicer for the people around you. It's just part of living in community to have to learn to deal with the sewage. Everyone has it. Every relationship has problems. Every human being has flaws. Putting two or more of them together means getting an abundance of difficulties. But if they are taken care of. If they are talked through. If there is respect. If there is grace. If there is love. Then, the relationship is a place that is not only useful to the people in the relationship, but to others who come across it. I mean, I really wished that someone had kept that outhouse on Trail Ridge clean. It would have been a blessing to our family. And if we keep our relationships cleaned out and talked out and loving and not hiding the stinky stuff, then we can be a blessing. If we don't, others feel like they have entered the cess pool when they are in our presence.

I don't know of anyone who wants to live like that. I think we are just fooled that the deep hole will cover everything forever. But it's not true. Things that stink don't go away just because they aren't visible. It takes work to make them go away. Relationships require work. And the work isn't just about spending quality time together......though that seems to be what all of the marriage counselors write about now. It also requires facing the hard places where you do not agree and may never agree. It requires growing on both parties parts. It requires more than just a cursory effort, it requires a lifetime of maintenance. But if you ever find anyone who will have this kind of relationship with you, then you have a friend for life. They will know your dirt and you will know theirs and it will be ok.

So, the moral is, clean the outhouse often so that it is not too overwhelming. Because there comes a time when it's impossible to get it done. There comes a time where it's just not worth it. The danger outweighs the benefit. I mean, who wants to die drowning in the doo doo?
And on that note, I'll leave it to you. Start today. With kids. With family. With friends. With people you hope will be good friends.
blessings,
rhonda

Who Am I?

Do you ever ask yourself this question? Who am I? Not "what do I do for other people?" But really, when it all comes down to it, who am I? No matter where I live or my socioeconomic status. No matter my family makeup. Who am I? At night when I'm all alone. Or when I'm in a store. Or when I am riding in my car, which goodness knows I do a lot of.
I don't just want to be perceived to be "nice." That is so wishy washy. And while I like being John's wife and the mom of Kenneth, Steph, Joe, Jake, Ike, Ish and Anna, I don't want it to be what defines me. Oh, and don't forget Gabey Baby. He's a doll. But he's a grandbaby......that's a whole other story.
I am a child of God. Loved. Redeemed. Made whole. Completely accepted. And yet still very human. Not afraid to make mistakes. I want to be a truth speaker. It is my gift, but I tend to shy away from it, especially these days, I am in a hiding to be safe mode. I want to be courageous. I think it's who I am. Take reasonable risks. Try new things. I am a rather shy person. I love being here on a computer.
And yet, I like interaction........but hate small talk. Yes, I think I'm rather complex. Most people think I'm goofy. Sometimes I am. Or obnoxious. That usually happens when I am trying to be something I am not. Which, unfortunately, seems to be often lately. I am a seeker. A grower. I like learning. I like to read a whole lot. And write. And tutoring is pretty fun too. I am a natural teacher. Too bad nobody is paying me to do so these days.:) I am a lover of realness in people. I despise meanness. Wholeheartedly. I am a protector of those I perceive need protecting.....even if they are strong. Sometimes that is not a good thing. Sometimes it annoys people.
I am a giver. I like to give gifts and other things. I like to cook for the people that come to my home. I am generally hospitable. I serve, but I am not really a servant. I choose to serve because I know how good it feels to do something for someone else. I like adventure. I am a person who needs time to reflect. No, I mean, I need it. Without it, I get grouchy. I don't like to put people in boxes, but I do like to figure out how individuals work. I love to observe people. I totally could have been a counselor except for the part where the weight of so many cares would have to go home with me, and go to my prayer life and would consume my mind. I am incredibly sensitive. I try hard not to be, but I am.
Who am I? I am a woman. I am full of contradictions. I am loyal. Truly loyal. I am trustworthy to the very best of my ability. I am a genuine lover of those I care about. I mean, wholehearted to the tips of my toes.
Well, that's about it. Oh, and why use two words when there are so many good ones to use?
blessings,
rhonda

Ridiculous Notions

Somehow I have gotten some odd ideas

Like if I clean the family room on Wednesday, I shouldn't need to on Thursday.

Or if I wipe up the kitchen after dinner, it should be looking good the next morning.

I have the strangeness to think that if I tell the kids to pick up their rooms before going out that I will walk into a clean bedroom.

Have you laughed outloud at my insanity yet?

I mean, nobody told me that dishes would live in various rooms around the house if I did not rescue them and return them to the kitchen.

Nor that furniture would be used to wipe off hands.

I never knew that bookshleves would be used to store candy wrappers and socks.

I have this strange idea that if you see trash on the floor, you should pick it up.......even if it isn't yours.

And that if coats are left in the car, they should be carried in.

I even go as far as to think that perhaps the sports equipment could actually go in the designated cupboard instead of tossed in front of it.
But strangely, I am the only one. Everyone else in my house thinks that you should take care of yourself and your own belongings. However the problem is that nobody sees that they help to create the mess. Nobody seems to know that they are the one that leaves coffee in the pot.
Or sugar coating the counters.
Apparently the jelly has been jumping out of the fridge and getting spilled down the counters all on it's own.
And the toilet. They all flush. But the toilet isn't.........how is that?
The lights should all be turned off because everyone says they turned them off when they came out to the car. But strangely, when I return home, the watts are burning.

Family life is like nothing else. We think that it's about teaching them to pick up after themselves when in reality it's simply teaching them to see what needs to be done and learning to be willing. Not an easy lesson. For any of us. But necessary.
It's part of growing up. Part of becoming less selfish. But, I don't think any of us completely "get there." The just part inside wants to hold out until someone else steps up and helps. That's why I am not cleaning the family room again.........ok, I did, but I was stunned that I needed to.
blessings,
rhonda

The Fireplace

The weather is cooling. The mornings are downright crisp. I have even had the heat on. It's the time when my mind turns to baking and just cooking in general. I'm one of those people who love to cook........for people. If I ever end up just me, I'll have to make my house a shelter or something or I might not cook at all.:) Too much trouble. And that got me to thinking.
You know, there are a lot of things I won't do just for me. I treat myself differently than I do other people. For instance, this morning, I thought how nice it would be to have a fire in the fireplace. And I thought, "when the kids get home, I'll have to build one." And then I realized that I could have one now. I could actually just enjoy it and have it because I'm here. Hmmm.....
what a concept. :) I know that you moms know what I'm talking about. I mean, our homes are so full of the life of kids and the whole family thing that sometimes we forget that we have wants and desires of our own. Not selfish stuff, just stuff that doesn't really matter. Like having a fire. So, I walked out to the nicely stacked woodpile and got wood. I admired my husband's chickens. Came back in and built a fire. I even added wood to keep it going. And I enjoyed it.
It's easy for me to have a hard time living my life with the excuse that I'm being a mom. Sometimes I have trouble just relaxing in the house. Just living and being and not feeling like I should be doing.
But I am glad that I realize it. It's good to do. And it feels good too. But remembering to turn on the music. Cook something a little special. Build a fire. Just because I want to. Because it interests me. That's important too.
So, today as I putter around my house getting the little things done, I'm also giving myself permission to do the things I want to do. Like pulling the computer out here in the kitchen so that I can write inbetween little chores.:) That's very good for me. Love it.
Hope your day finds you doing the special little things. Like calling a friend for the heck of it. Or taking a bubble bath. Or sitting in your garden. Or climbing a tree. You know, whatever strikes YOUR interest. Be who you are. Don't forget her.......she's a lovely woman.
blessings,
rhonda

Guidelines

When taking out the trash early in the morning, tie robe tightly.

When going to shower, be sure to have towel before getting in.

When running to the laundry room to get your clean undies, make sure nobody is home.....first.

Close the curtains at night.

Shut off the flashlight in your tent before undressing.

Make sure the door is not locked when running out to get the paper in your jammies.

Never go to bed without sweats or other substantial clothing nearby if you are a parent......you will have to get up.

Before company comes over, check the couch and bathrooms for stray laundry.....those undies have the darndest way of showing up unexpectantly.

Moms, don't hang anything on the clothes line that you would mind being a cape.

When putting make up on early, take a second look to make sure there are no globs.

When putting mascara on in car, check face before going into event.....

If you sneeze, take a look, if you can't do that, have a friend check. Nothing worse than figuring out later that something was hanging out your nose.

If you have feminine supplies in your purse and you are looking for a pen, dig with caution. (I did sling a tampon out at a king soopers)

Newlyweds, put away those prophylactics.....never know when the pastor or your parents will drop by. They really don't want to picture that.

blessings,
rhonda

Pendulums of Life

As we know, I am the observer. At times, it serves me well, at others, it drives me to distraction. Today it is the second.

I've been watching kids........yes, again. Wondering what we are doing to them. You see, what I'm observing is how kids who are raised in a legalistic, controlling environment become the opposite of that. At least for a time. It seems that some grown ups think that making every decision, belittling, and tearing down make sure a kid will grow up to do exactly what they say. From observation, I would say NOT. Nope. Not happening. The kids I see that are raised that way rebel horribly and hugely..........with license. License to do, think, be, or take whatever they want......even if it makes no sense. Especially if it makes no sense. It's like they try to prove that you only love them if they follow your rules. It's what they were taught.

And then there's the other side....permissiveness. Everything goes. No guidelines. Just do as you choose. Like clothes hanging on the line, flapping in the wind; the kids are just as lost. And, strangely, they often end up making hard line rules to live by. And in the trying to be absolutely perfect, they find themselves depressed, hurting and feeling like they can't succeed.

Life works on a pendulum. We rarely strike the balance perfectly. But it seems to me that perhaps if we all treated kids like we need to be treated then maybe they would do better. I mean, legalism does nothing for me because I am totally incapable of doing everything right.....and frankly, I rebel at the constant "you shoulds". But looking the other direction, when there's no input, I assume a person does not care aboutme. I figure that I am on my own. Maybe it's the idea of coaching. Of supporting. Maybe grown ups need to realize that it's less about control and more about example and loving even when we don't get our way. And doing this while keeping our eyes open so that we are not allowing ourselves to simply be used. That doesn't help either. I mean, we all are used to a degree, but I mean not catering to bad habits, setting lines and boundaries. But the lines and boundaries can be set with compassion and calmness. Those ultimatums may come at some point as teens begin to spread their wings and fly away. And some are not flying into a nice sunshiney day. Some seem bent on flying into the storm. We wish they would wait. We gripe. Complain. But what if we understood? What if we stopped long enough to remember that desire to get out from under someone else? And in that realizing dealt with the teen.
"I respect that you are feeling ready to get out on your own. I have a few concerns that people might use you if you are not financially ready to support yourself." "Perhaps we could make a plan to get you out on your own that is beneficial to both of us." "I can't allow certain behaviors for the safety and peace of our home." "Things that are illegal could endanger your siblings, so I can't have you doing them here." "I know that you choose, I just want to be here to help you make it to who you need to be."
Maybe if we could quit making it about how kids dress. Or who they hang with. Or how they seem. Maybe if we could make them realize how desperately we love them and are for them. I mean, isn't that how God was and is with us? I am so much for you that I'll send my child to show you how I am. And you will kill him. And I will love you anyway. As a matter of fact, not only will I love you anyway, but it will be the ultimate sacrifice.
Kids need us. They need us to walk with them. To be for them. To speak the truth without it being about whether we love them. To allow consequences when it feels like it will kill us. To not tie our identity up in theirs so much that we are ashamed of them if they don't look or act how we wish. No matter what, we need to be able to look at them and say, "you are mine. I love you. I am for you. I will not allow some things because of the law, but those things are not all you are. I see you. You are special."
Even if your kid is drunk every night. Or finding him/herself hooked on some drug. Or having sex. Or pregnant. Or flunking out of school. Or using language that curls your toes. Or behaving disrespectfully. Sometimes in life, we get lost. We lose our way. We need someone with a light to come find us and love us and wrap us in a blanket and be there when we awaken from sleeping with some good food. Not hit us with the flashlight. Not leave us out there and not come looking for us. But even if you do it all. Walk with them and all. You have to realize. We have to realize.......they make their own choices at some point. You can love. You can hope. You can pray. But you don't get to decide for them. You get to decide for you.
Will you write them off? Or will you keep who you know they are alive in your heart and love them fiercely? You will have to choose at some point in time. These kids are all around us. You have watched them grow up. You are their parents, teachers, coaches, directors, counselors, boy scout leaders............you get to decide who you will be in their lives. Not how they will live their lives. That's hard when you love. Painful. Irritating too.
But, it will make all of the difference if enough people stand beside and walk with and walk through. Not maybe now. But someday.
blessings,
rhonda