What a fun time of year this is. Looking around, I find myself constantly surprised and amused. I love hearing my kids plan what to be and how to do it. We don't really go out and purchase costumes, we do the old fashioned thing and put together out of boxes of cast offs and such. It's really fun and creative.
But today, I was wondering if the "costume" that I wear as an adult is what I planned as a child. Usually, I still feel like I'm rummaging around in the box at the last minute, trying to decide what to be. I mean, I decide but then it seems too hard, or impossible to achieve, or not right. And I change my mind. Or maybe because everyone else will think it's stupid and make fun of me. Aren't we still just kids at heart?
And maybe, the scariest costume of all is just going as myself. Not looking for some way to cover up. Not searching for what will please or cause envy. Simply just being. Not much fun for Halloween, but certainly a good thing for life. Because costumes are good for a day or two a year but then they become cumbersome. All of that make-up and fake hair and blood and bulky clothing and masks that keep me from seeing and breathing. They are only fun for the sake of fun. Don't want to live there.
I love you all. Just like you are.
blessings,
rhonda
Friday, October 30, 2009
The ER part two......or is it one?
Well before the last written about ER visit, I was summoned to a friend's home as she was on her hands and knees, throwing up, in severe pain. I went, wiped her face and got her in the car and we headed for the ER about 20 miles away that is on her Kaiser plan.
She could hardly sit in the car. I think, actually that she might have been in the back. Staying upright was nearly impossible. However, the vomitting had helped to alleviate some of the pain for a little while.
About the time we entered the hospital, another attack began. She hit the floor. No, she didn't faint, she hit her hands and knees in pain. Apparently, the only bearable position was on all fours kind of crouched. And, being a good friend, I did not walk away.
When she was able, we got her checked in. And again, all of the questions have to be asked.......insurance, drug allergies, drugs taking, level of pain.....on and on. For pete's sake, "didn't you just see her on the floor? Can't you infer the level of pain from that? I mean, seriously, how many grown women would hit the floor in the lobby of a busy hospital?" No, I didn't say it, I was polite.
They had us in a room fairly quickly. Put her in a gown. Put her on a gurney. Went to get the IV that seems to part and parcel of any trip to the ER. While they were gone, the attack intensified and gown and all, she was up on her hands and knees mooning whomever should walk in.......I confess, I laughed. I tried not to. I was there to be supportive, but oh my gosh. How to even put that into words.
By the time they medicated her, she was in excruciating pain. More questions as they give the drug.....I know that they have to, but I am amazed at how dumb it seems at the moment. And then, the sweet release from pain. Rubbing her back as her body finally began to relax. Falling asleep in the darkened room leaning on the railing of the gurney. Praying. Thankful.
There is nothing more satisfying than having pain end. Oh, a pain free life seems good, but when there has been no pain you don't fully appreciate the lack of pain. It's in that moment of greatest pain, when even more is being asked of you than you think that you can possibly endure when you are begging for release that you see how good it is to be freed from the pain. And you are willing to endure even more pain to get the release. "Oh please, put in the needle, the big long needle. Push in that stinging, burning medicine." At no other time would you be wanting that. But when you are in the worst pain, the hope of what the medicine will bring allows you to face just a little bit more.
So it is in life. When life is most painful sometimes you have to face just a little bit more pain before you can be done with it. Sometimes you have to face your greatest fear, make a new start, make a new decision, change. And it's painful. But when the release from pain comes, it is all worth it. It feels so much better than before you experienced the pain in the first place. Relief. Thankfulness. Gratitude. And it changes you forever.
Embrace where you are. Even in pain. Look forward with hope to the end, but go ahead and live in it. If you learn from it, it is a lesson that you will carry with you and that you will be able to share with others.
For instance, we now know that that kind of pain often indicates a gall bladder attack.
blessings,
rhonda
She could hardly sit in the car. I think, actually that she might have been in the back. Staying upright was nearly impossible. However, the vomitting had helped to alleviate some of the pain for a little while.
About the time we entered the hospital, another attack began. She hit the floor. No, she didn't faint, she hit her hands and knees in pain. Apparently, the only bearable position was on all fours kind of crouched. And, being a good friend, I did not walk away.
When she was able, we got her checked in. And again, all of the questions have to be asked.......insurance, drug allergies, drugs taking, level of pain.....on and on. For pete's sake, "didn't you just see her on the floor? Can't you infer the level of pain from that? I mean, seriously, how many grown women would hit the floor in the lobby of a busy hospital?" No, I didn't say it, I was polite.
They had us in a room fairly quickly. Put her in a gown. Put her on a gurney. Went to get the IV that seems to part and parcel of any trip to the ER. While they were gone, the attack intensified and gown and all, she was up on her hands and knees mooning whomever should walk in.......I confess, I laughed. I tried not to. I was there to be supportive, but oh my gosh. How to even put that into words.
By the time they medicated her, she was in excruciating pain. More questions as they give the drug.....I know that they have to, but I am amazed at how dumb it seems at the moment. And then, the sweet release from pain. Rubbing her back as her body finally began to relax. Falling asleep in the darkened room leaning on the railing of the gurney. Praying. Thankful.
There is nothing more satisfying than having pain end. Oh, a pain free life seems good, but when there has been no pain you don't fully appreciate the lack of pain. It's in that moment of greatest pain, when even more is being asked of you than you think that you can possibly endure when you are begging for release that you see how good it is to be freed from the pain. And you are willing to endure even more pain to get the release. "Oh please, put in the needle, the big long needle. Push in that stinging, burning medicine." At no other time would you be wanting that. But when you are in the worst pain, the hope of what the medicine will bring allows you to face just a little bit more.
So it is in life. When life is most painful sometimes you have to face just a little bit more pain before you can be done with it. Sometimes you have to face your greatest fear, make a new start, make a new decision, change. And it's painful. But when the release from pain comes, it is all worth it. It feels so much better than before you experienced the pain in the first place. Relief. Thankfulness. Gratitude. And it changes you forever.
Embrace where you are. Even in pain. Look forward with hope to the end, but go ahead and live in it. If you learn from it, it is a lesson that you will carry with you and that you will be able to share with others.
For instance, we now know that that kind of pain often indicates a gall bladder attack.
blessings,
rhonda
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Writers Block
Frankly, I've never really had writer's block in the traditional sense. However, at times I have difficulty writing because of the intensity of what is going on inside of me. This last couple of weeks have been that way. I went to a women's seminar that talked about Lazarus....the raising of him from the dead. Christian or not, most people have heard the story. But this story has really gotten me thinking. He was called out of the tomb and then Jesus told the people to "unbind him". And there he would have been, stinking to the sky, naked, in front of all of the people in his town. And it met a huge need in him. And it met a huge need in the people.
I've been thinking about how important it is for us to be that vulnerable in our lives. No masks. No hiding. And how in our vulnerability it will help other people to grow. I feel so much better when I see other real people. They must feel better to see me too. But still, it's easier to hide.
It's easier to not share the hard stuff.
And our culture condones that. Hold it in. Look good. "It's alright". But, it's not. Sometimes things are not alright. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes our troubles seem too big. Even if they aren't real. Even if they are just things that we are afraid might happen.
But when we look at someone we love and say, " I am really afraid that......." and put ourself at their mercy, it changes us. And if they are the best kind of friend, they respond, "that's so stupid." But you know that they understand. And you know that they love you. And then the fear goes away. It has no more power.
So, try it. Say the hard things. Face with courage those things that scare you most and let people in on who you are. Don't worry, they will disappoint you. And you them. But overall, our friends have good motives. And it's always worth trying. And trying again.
blessings,
rhonda
I've been thinking about how important it is for us to be that vulnerable in our lives. No masks. No hiding. And how in our vulnerability it will help other people to grow. I feel so much better when I see other real people. They must feel better to see me too. But still, it's easier to hide.
It's easier to not share the hard stuff.
And our culture condones that. Hold it in. Look good. "It's alright". But, it's not. Sometimes things are not alright. Sometimes we hurt. Sometimes our troubles seem too big. Even if they aren't real. Even if they are just things that we are afraid might happen.
But when we look at someone we love and say, " I am really afraid that......." and put ourself at their mercy, it changes us. And if they are the best kind of friend, they respond, "that's so stupid." But you know that they understand. And you know that they love you. And then the fear goes away. It has no more power.
So, try it. Say the hard things. Face with courage those things that scare you most and let people in on who you are. Don't worry, they will disappoint you. And you them. But overall, our friends have good motives. And it's always worth trying. And trying again.
blessings,
rhonda
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sista Chicks Go to the ER
You know, they say that a woman can't go to the bathroom by herself....all of the girlfriends get up at once and go as a group. I mean, why waste all of that visiting time when you can be chatting while washing up, combing your hair, applying your lipstick? Really, I don't know why women tend to have a group mentality, but I know it must exist. The other day, a Sunday, to be precise, one of my friends was having excruciating pain in her jaw, teeth, face.....you know the kind of pain that doesn't allow you to sleep or hardly even breathe. As usual, the crowd was gathered for the Sunday meal and stayed for the fun visiting time afterward. Ok, fun visiting time is sometimes everyone dozes off for awhile. So, while we moms were dozing, the kids were playing poker and things were going pretty well. Except in the midst of my resting time, my friend keeps whimpering. She applies heat, takes copious amounts of pain reliever and there is no relief in sight.
So, I begin asking her if we should take her to urgent care. I had never seen her take a tylenol before. She has a huge tolerance to pain. But she doesn't want to go in..........until about 6:15. So, we get ready to go.......all three moms. And my eldest son says, "it takes all of you to go to the urgent care?" "Well, yeah, of course." But urgent care is closed and we end up at the emergency room after convincing her that she can't put up with this kind of pain until the next day.
Being persistent women, we drive across to the ER. You have to understand that at this point she is barely functioning.
And then the questions begin: age, insurance, kind of pain, allergies, all of the big stuff. While we are standing in front of a desk with her holding her face barely able to speak. So, my other friend tells them that she needs a hot pack. And we start talking for her. They have two computers going to make it faster. Then we go sit in the waiting room on the very uncomfy chairs. People in pain need comfort, but ER's never have it. Boring tv is playing. My friend is moaning quietly. My other friend takes her head and rests in on her shoulder. I think, "we should get a hot pack." My friend says, I already asked for one for her.
I get up and go to the desk. "My friend really needs a hot pack."
"I'll see if I can find someone who knows how to make one."
Isn't that a bad answer in a hospital emergency room??? Nonetheless, it arrived a few minutes later bringing only a small amount of relief.
Finally we are called to the back and they put her on the gurney. And again........the list of questions. This time we answer.
Then they leave the room and leave us there waiting. About now is when I mention the IV that is inevitably coming. And she looks like she will bolt. But she simply can't.
The nurse comes back and does a great job at setting up the IV and then puts in the phentonyl. And you know what? It didn't give her relief!!! So they came and gave her another shot. And it barely relaxed her.
THEN the doctor came in and........you guessed it..........started asking her questions. The one thing the drug affected was her brain. So, again we answered. What kind of process drugs you and then asks you questions?
Well, it has been stressful, so my cohort and I, after everyone else has left the room, do a little bunny foo foo song and dance for her. Healing, right? Of all of the things that happened that day, this one she remembers. And we got a warm blankie and covered her up. And my cohort massaged the painful part of her head. And we sat with her.
Someone came back and gave her a couple of steroids and a couple of percocet and said they would send her home. She was still in pain.......a bit manageable.....incredibly drugged....but still hurting. A lot.
But, we gather her up. Walk to the check out where they ask for a check in her drugged/pained state. Get our prescription. And off we go to the pharmacy. I go in. I answer the questions. I submit the prescription. And we realize that we were given the scrip for the steroid but NOT the pain medicine.
So, we head back to the ER. My friend has already called and when we get there she goes in and gets the thing that we really needed for all of that time. We take our friend home.
She goes to bed. I talk to her husband while he drives us back to our cars at my house. He is picking up the meds and will watch over her.
I call him later and tell him to make sure he wakes her up every four hours and gives her the medicine so that the pain will at least be manageable. And he does. And he is greatful to hear what he should do.
And it was a day where someone was cared for. And cherished. And advocated for. And though the doctors didn't do all I wished, I have long since realized that sometimes just the simple acts of love of those around us are most healing. Though we still feel pain, we can cope. Being loved and taken care of IS the best medicine. It gives hope.
Now, she doesn't believe that while she was drugged she danced around naked. She thinks I'm just messing with her. We'll never really know, will we???
blessings,
rhonda
So, I begin asking her if we should take her to urgent care. I had never seen her take a tylenol before. She has a huge tolerance to pain. But she doesn't want to go in..........until about 6:15. So, we get ready to go.......all three moms. And my eldest son says, "it takes all of you to go to the urgent care?" "Well, yeah, of course." But urgent care is closed and we end up at the emergency room after convincing her that she can't put up with this kind of pain until the next day.
Being persistent women, we drive across to the ER. You have to understand that at this point she is barely functioning.
And then the questions begin: age, insurance, kind of pain, allergies, all of the big stuff. While we are standing in front of a desk with her holding her face barely able to speak. So, my other friend tells them that she needs a hot pack. And we start talking for her. They have two computers going to make it faster. Then we go sit in the waiting room on the very uncomfy chairs. People in pain need comfort, but ER's never have it. Boring tv is playing. My friend is moaning quietly. My other friend takes her head and rests in on her shoulder. I think, "we should get a hot pack." My friend says, I already asked for one for her.
I get up and go to the desk. "My friend really needs a hot pack."
"I'll see if I can find someone who knows how to make one."
Isn't that a bad answer in a hospital emergency room??? Nonetheless, it arrived a few minutes later bringing only a small amount of relief.
Finally we are called to the back and they put her on the gurney. And again........the list of questions. This time we answer.
Then they leave the room and leave us there waiting. About now is when I mention the IV that is inevitably coming. And she looks like she will bolt. But she simply can't.
The nurse comes back and does a great job at setting up the IV and then puts in the phentonyl. And you know what? It didn't give her relief!!! So they came and gave her another shot. And it barely relaxed her.
THEN the doctor came in and........you guessed it..........started asking her questions. The one thing the drug affected was her brain. So, again we answered. What kind of process drugs you and then asks you questions?
Well, it has been stressful, so my cohort and I, after everyone else has left the room, do a little bunny foo foo song and dance for her. Healing, right? Of all of the things that happened that day, this one she remembers. And we got a warm blankie and covered her up. And my cohort massaged the painful part of her head. And we sat with her.
Someone came back and gave her a couple of steroids and a couple of percocet and said they would send her home. She was still in pain.......a bit manageable.....incredibly drugged....but still hurting. A lot.
But, we gather her up. Walk to the check out where they ask for a check in her drugged/pained state. Get our prescription. And off we go to the pharmacy. I go in. I answer the questions. I submit the prescription. And we realize that we were given the scrip for the steroid but NOT the pain medicine.
So, we head back to the ER. My friend has already called and when we get there she goes in and gets the thing that we really needed for all of that time. We take our friend home.
She goes to bed. I talk to her husband while he drives us back to our cars at my house. He is picking up the meds and will watch over her.
I call him later and tell him to make sure he wakes her up every four hours and gives her the medicine so that the pain will at least be manageable. And he does. And he is greatful to hear what he should do.
And it was a day where someone was cared for. And cherished. And advocated for. And though the doctors didn't do all I wished, I have long since realized that sometimes just the simple acts of love of those around us are most healing. Though we still feel pain, we can cope. Being loved and taken care of IS the best medicine. It gives hope.
Now, she doesn't believe that while she was drugged she danced around naked. She thinks I'm just messing with her. We'll never really know, will we???
blessings,
rhonda
Where Is God?
I am kind of amazed, as you may be, that whenever anything goes wrong, horribly wrong, people of all walks ask, "where is God?" It seems to be our nature to blame something or someone. And in times of loss. Of death. Of abandonment. Of great pain. Of job loss. Of famine. Of tragedy.....in all of those times, it's easy to ask, "where is God?"
But today I was thinking and it struck me. The Bible says "God is good." It doesn't say God does good or God likes good or God applauds good. It is a present tense verb....God IS good. You mean, like beauty? Or warmth? Or shelter? Or drink? Or love? Or peace? Or light? All good. All that is good. Every little thing comes from Him.
Without good there would be fire but no warmth or light. Without good only destruction. Without good anarchy and self reign. Without good we are lost.
But in the trials, troubles and struggles, we still have good. All is not bad. There is still light. Still warmth. Still beauty and colors and textures. Maybe instead of viewing God as the one who allows these bad things, I should be viewing Him as the one who actually provides the good and sane things in the midst of it all. View Him as the underlying reason that I even know that there should be good.
Just a thought.
blessings,
rhonda
But today I was thinking and it struck me. The Bible says "God is good." It doesn't say God does good or God likes good or God applauds good. It is a present tense verb....God IS good. You mean, like beauty? Or warmth? Or shelter? Or drink? Or love? Or peace? Or light? All good. All that is good. Every little thing comes from Him.
Without good there would be fire but no warmth or light. Without good only destruction. Without good anarchy and self reign. Without good we are lost.
But in the trials, troubles and struggles, we still have good. All is not bad. There is still light. Still warmth. Still beauty and colors and textures. Maybe instead of viewing God as the one who allows these bad things, I should be viewing Him as the one who actually provides the good and sane things in the midst of it all. View Him as the underlying reason that I even know that there should be good.
Just a thought.
blessings,
rhonda
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
It's a Big Big World
Remember when it was so exciting to enter the big world? It was as if anything and everything was possible. College was a marvel. I mean, all of the fun of being grown up without having quite so much responsibility. No kids. No husband. Just classes, work and me. And the world had so much to offer. Travel. Romance. Fun. Entertainment. Knowledge. And spiritually it was such a good growing time too.
When I was young, the idea of a big world was exciting and adventurous. I like the idea of experiencing it. I still do. But sometimes, the world seems too big. It seems like the heartaches and troubles overtake the joys, adventures and dreams. I'm not sure what changed. Actually, I am pretty sure. I have more people that I am responsible for. I have more people to hope for, to believe in, to feel their aches and pains as deeply as my own.
But, though the world seems too big sometimes, it is still not spinning out of control. The one who was in control still is in control. It hasn't changed. I have had to learn that sometimes people hurt. Much to my dismay. Don't you hate it when people you love hurt??? And sometimes they do things that hurt themselves. That isn't too fun either. But you keep on loving. I keep on loving. Though the pain in this big world is more than I ever imagined.
But by experiencing more pain, I have felt joy more deeply. The good is SO good. It is such a blessing. When a kid makes a right decision or something goes great for a friend. It's filling. It's satisfying. We can't control or manipulate. We can walk with and talk with and enjoy the people, but they make their own choices and choose their own ways. People are a gift to us. People are the number one source of growth in my life. Yes, for good reasons and not so good of reasons.
Lately, and for quite some time, the world has simply seemed too big. I kinda just want to grab a blankie and curl up and let it pass by for awhile. But, that's not going to happen. Ever notice if it's bad it tends to get worse? And I grow. And I change. And I learn how to hope when I don't see the answers. Because the thing is this: I am glad that it's a big world. I am glad that there are lots of choices and relationships and hopes and dreams.......even if sometimes it means that all of those things are hurtful. I love the creativity and spontaneity. I love how every person is different, though that causes strife. I love that there is a challenge. Love that every single person is facing the exact same challenge and handling it differently......the challenge of walking in the present circumstances that they find themselves.
It's a big world. You can fear it or you can embrace it, pain and all. Your choice. You get to choose for you. But I've learned......you don't have to be afraid of the pain, it simply makes the good better. Like sweet and sour. Or sweet and salty. Taste life. Live. What else do you have to do with your time???
blessings,
rhonda
When I was young, the idea of a big world was exciting and adventurous. I like the idea of experiencing it. I still do. But sometimes, the world seems too big. It seems like the heartaches and troubles overtake the joys, adventures and dreams. I'm not sure what changed. Actually, I am pretty sure. I have more people that I am responsible for. I have more people to hope for, to believe in, to feel their aches and pains as deeply as my own.
But, though the world seems too big sometimes, it is still not spinning out of control. The one who was in control still is in control. It hasn't changed. I have had to learn that sometimes people hurt. Much to my dismay. Don't you hate it when people you love hurt??? And sometimes they do things that hurt themselves. That isn't too fun either. But you keep on loving. I keep on loving. Though the pain in this big world is more than I ever imagined.
But by experiencing more pain, I have felt joy more deeply. The good is SO good. It is such a blessing. When a kid makes a right decision or something goes great for a friend. It's filling. It's satisfying. We can't control or manipulate. We can walk with and talk with and enjoy the people, but they make their own choices and choose their own ways. People are a gift to us. People are the number one source of growth in my life. Yes, for good reasons and not so good of reasons.
Lately, and for quite some time, the world has simply seemed too big. I kinda just want to grab a blankie and curl up and let it pass by for awhile. But, that's not going to happen. Ever notice if it's bad it tends to get worse? And I grow. And I change. And I learn how to hope when I don't see the answers. Because the thing is this: I am glad that it's a big world. I am glad that there are lots of choices and relationships and hopes and dreams.......even if sometimes it means that all of those things are hurtful. I love the creativity and spontaneity. I love how every person is different, though that causes strife. I love that there is a challenge. Love that every single person is facing the exact same challenge and handling it differently......the challenge of walking in the present circumstances that they find themselves.
It's a big world. You can fear it or you can embrace it, pain and all. Your choice. You get to choose for you. But I've learned......you don't have to be afraid of the pain, it simply makes the good better. Like sweet and sour. Or sweet and salty. Taste life. Live. What else do you have to do with your time???
blessings,
rhonda
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Blame
One of the most consistent and insidious things about human nature is the propensity to blame. I am not talking about responsibility taking or giving; I am talking about the unique way that human keep from accepting responsibility or feeling inadequate by shifting blame instead of taking responsibility. It's a sad condition that seems to worsen with the passing of years and generations. Or perhaps it is in aging that I see it more clearly.
Maybe it's because instead of viewing mistakes as stepping stones, we view them as reasons to punish, so in order to avoid punishment, people blame someone else to escape. I am not sure of all of the psychology. I do know that blame has permeated every eschelon of our society. Politics is particularly noteworthy. And Hollywood. And professional athletes. Those who are front and center and examples for those coming behind. They do not take responsibility for the most part, they blame shift.
Having so many kids at home allows me to observe the phenomenon first hand. Nobody is ever at fault. Well, they are, but will not admit it. Because if they do, they associate it with blame and punishment. So, as a kind of joke several years ago, we began choosing a person of the week to blame for things. No matter what happens, they are "blamed". And we laugh. It's just silly. But it works. It sets our minds off of blame because that has already been determined and back on responsibility. It allows some freedom to own a mistake or a choice without feeling belittled.
Blame is rampant. It is human nature. Even thinking to Biblical times, the sacrifice of the scape goat.....the one who was "blamed" for all of the sins of the nation. So, I know that it is our nature through all time to have a need to cast off our burdens. But before we cast them off, we have to take a responsibility for them. We have to learn to say "I did that, I chose that, I was wrong." Therein is the trouble. Nobody in our culture likes to be wrong. But if everyone is right, then there is no standard. Thinking about the current spiritualism and how "if it's right for me, then it's right," seals that opinion. But can everybody truly be "right"? Can the sun be yellow and purple. Can it be hot and cold. Does it matter what I think or does it matter what is? All of that is a little philosophical for me, but I am learning that there are some things that are wrong. Stealing. Lying. Murdering. And some lesser things that make a household run.......like unthoughtfulness, making messes for others to clean up, endangering people by being selfish, taking and not giving.
But the thing is this: we don't have to teach a lifestyle of BLAME, we need to teach a lifestyle of RESPONSIBILITY. It needs to be ok to take responsibility for an action and commit to changing. Without others feeling to need to blame. And when we are responsible for an action, we need to quit sidestepping and trying to blame someone else. It's not healthy for anyone. It becomes an intricate game. I did those drugs because you didn't give me what I needed. No, you did those drugs because you chose the easy way out. You chose not to face the difficulties of rebuilding a relationship. You chose escape. Now, would you like to make a different choice?
I wrecked the car because that car pulled in front of me. You were going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit. But he pulled in front of me. If you were going the speed limit, you would have been able to stop. Or even if you hadn't, then it would have been their responsibility and not yours. But because you were doing something illegal, you are responsible. But I don't deserve the ticket. You deserve whatever the law says you get for that action. Anything else is grace.
I wouldn't have killed that man if he would have just given me the money. You were stealing. You are responsible. No, he could have just given me the stupid money and I would have left. You started the scenario by your choice. But that's not what I meant to happen. But it did because of what you did. You are responsible.
Perhaps because of our desire to issue so much blame, we have pushed people away from taking responsibility. Whatever it is, it is imperative that we all learn to say, "I was wrong, how can I work toward making it right?" That will make a much better world. It will make a place that's safe to grow and learn. And, it will keep the focus from being on who to blame.
So, who can we blame for how we got here? :)
blessings,
rhonda
Maybe it's because instead of viewing mistakes as stepping stones, we view them as reasons to punish, so in order to avoid punishment, people blame someone else to escape. I am not sure of all of the psychology. I do know that blame has permeated every eschelon of our society. Politics is particularly noteworthy. And Hollywood. And professional athletes. Those who are front and center and examples for those coming behind. They do not take responsibility for the most part, they blame shift.
Having so many kids at home allows me to observe the phenomenon first hand. Nobody is ever at fault. Well, they are, but will not admit it. Because if they do, they associate it with blame and punishment. So, as a kind of joke several years ago, we began choosing a person of the week to blame for things. No matter what happens, they are "blamed". And we laugh. It's just silly. But it works. It sets our minds off of blame because that has already been determined and back on responsibility. It allows some freedom to own a mistake or a choice without feeling belittled.
Blame is rampant. It is human nature. Even thinking to Biblical times, the sacrifice of the scape goat.....the one who was "blamed" for all of the sins of the nation. So, I know that it is our nature through all time to have a need to cast off our burdens. But before we cast them off, we have to take a responsibility for them. We have to learn to say "I did that, I chose that, I was wrong." Therein is the trouble. Nobody in our culture likes to be wrong. But if everyone is right, then there is no standard. Thinking about the current spiritualism and how "if it's right for me, then it's right," seals that opinion. But can everybody truly be "right"? Can the sun be yellow and purple. Can it be hot and cold. Does it matter what I think or does it matter what is? All of that is a little philosophical for me, but I am learning that there are some things that are wrong. Stealing. Lying. Murdering. And some lesser things that make a household run.......like unthoughtfulness, making messes for others to clean up, endangering people by being selfish, taking and not giving.
But the thing is this: we don't have to teach a lifestyle of BLAME, we need to teach a lifestyle of RESPONSIBILITY. It needs to be ok to take responsibility for an action and commit to changing. Without others feeling to need to blame. And when we are responsible for an action, we need to quit sidestepping and trying to blame someone else. It's not healthy for anyone. It becomes an intricate game. I did those drugs because you didn't give me what I needed. No, you did those drugs because you chose the easy way out. You chose not to face the difficulties of rebuilding a relationship. You chose escape. Now, would you like to make a different choice?
I wrecked the car because that car pulled in front of me. You were going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit. But he pulled in front of me. If you were going the speed limit, you would have been able to stop. Or even if you hadn't, then it would have been their responsibility and not yours. But because you were doing something illegal, you are responsible. But I don't deserve the ticket. You deserve whatever the law says you get for that action. Anything else is grace.
I wouldn't have killed that man if he would have just given me the money. You were stealing. You are responsible. No, he could have just given me the stupid money and I would have left. You started the scenario by your choice. But that's not what I meant to happen. But it did because of what you did. You are responsible.
Perhaps because of our desire to issue so much blame, we have pushed people away from taking responsibility. Whatever it is, it is imperative that we all learn to say, "I was wrong, how can I work toward making it right?" That will make a much better world. It will make a place that's safe to grow and learn. And, it will keep the focus from being on who to blame.
So, who can we blame for how we got here? :)
blessings,
rhonda
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Little Bunny Foo Foo
We live in a semi-country neighborhood. We are in what is called "the county"......not part of any city. Everyone here has more than half an acre and some way more. In the last years, a development to our north has been trying to get started building homes on an acre or more. However, with the economy and all, things are slow going. But a couple of years ago they plowed under the lush field and added the infra-structure of streets and power and water. You cannot possibly imagine how much wildlife lived in that field.
The number of bunnies alone is stunning. Well, now that there is no brush, no trees, no hole to hide in, the bunnies have moved to our neighborhood. There are literally dozens of bunnies out in the morning on the way to take the kids to school. They seem to have adapted to the home bushes and holes under porches and clubhouses just fine.
But I have learned a lesson. Bunnies are dumb. Really cute, but not too smart. First of all, they go hopping right in front of the car back and forth.....all scattering from wherever they were eating by the road...as soon as a car is going by. This creates a bunny maze. Now, I do know that the scattering and zig zagging is a survival skill when a coyote or fox or mountain lion comes around. Even works for owls, hawks and eagles. It's not so good when it comes to cars. And what's strange is that never seem to learn.
We had a dog get hit by a car once......and only once........she lived and she never went in that road again. She learned by her mistake.
Well, the other way that bunnies protect themselves is by being very still, pretending to be invisible. And sometimes that works. This morning on the way to school, one bunny opted for this survival technique. Right in the middle of the road. It's not like a bunny can blend in to the asphalt. That does work near the bushes. But right in the middle of the road with the big green van bearing down, this bunny froze. I got very close and stopped before the bunny went hopping off to safety. Dumb bunny.
But I'm kind of like those bunnies. Way back somewhere in life, I learned ways to survive. They became a part of me. I carry them with me as habits and traditions. They are what I fall back on when I am frightened or angry. But some of those habits don't work in the world I live in now. Throwing myself down on the floor kicking and screaming at work will not get me a free pass to a raise, but it might get me a pass to lock-up. Using put downs to make others look worse and I can look better might have worked with siblings, but it certainly doesn't work within a grown-up setting. The silent treatment works ok if you are four, but at this point in life, I am responsible for building AND maintaining relationships. There's nobody else around to fix relational problems but me. No mama or daddy to complain to (at least, I hope not by this stage). No teacher to punish so and so for hurting my feelings. Nobody gets sent to the corner because they didn't treat me fairly. Life has changed. And I have to change. I have to grow up. I have to learn.
But like the bunnies, when I get really scared, I tend to revert back to things that worked so well in childhood. Only in an adult world, it just makes things worse. I have to adapt. I have to think. I have to pray. I have to seek the right answer for each situation. I have to forge new paths. And when I do, I find that life really is more pleasant than I remembered.....even in the midst of the hard times.
Don't be a dumb bunny. Learn new habits. Better ways. Don't let your fear trap you in past behaviors.
blessings,
rhonda
The number of bunnies alone is stunning. Well, now that there is no brush, no trees, no hole to hide in, the bunnies have moved to our neighborhood. There are literally dozens of bunnies out in the morning on the way to take the kids to school. They seem to have adapted to the home bushes and holes under porches and clubhouses just fine.
But I have learned a lesson. Bunnies are dumb. Really cute, but not too smart. First of all, they go hopping right in front of the car back and forth.....all scattering from wherever they were eating by the road...as soon as a car is going by. This creates a bunny maze. Now, I do know that the scattering and zig zagging is a survival skill when a coyote or fox or mountain lion comes around. Even works for owls, hawks and eagles. It's not so good when it comes to cars. And what's strange is that never seem to learn.
We had a dog get hit by a car once......and only once........she lived and she never went in that road again. She learned by her mistake.
Well, the other way that bunnies protect themselves is by being very still, pretending to be invisible. And sometimes that works. This morning on the way to school, one bunny opted for this survival technique. Right in the middle of the road. It's not like a bunny can blend in to the asphalt. That does work near the bushes. But right in the middle of the road with the big green van bearing down, this bunny froze. I got very close and stopped before the bunny went hopping off to safety. Dumb bunny.
But I'm kind of like those bunnies. Way back somewhere in life, I learned ways to survive. They became a part of me. I carry them with me as habits and traditions. They are what I fall back on when I am frightened or angry. But some of those habits don't work in the world I live in now. Throwing myself down on the floor kicking and screaming at work will not get me a free pass to a raise, but it might get me a pass to lock-up. Using put downs to make others look worse and I can look better might have worked with siblings, but it certainly doesn't work within a grown-up setting. The silent treatment works ok if you are four, but at this point in life, I am responsible for building AND maintaining relationships. There's nobody else around to fix relational problems but me. No mama or daddy to complain to (at least, I hope not by this stage). No teacher to punish so and so for hurting my feelings. Nobody gets sent to the corner because they didn't treat me fairly. Life has changed. And I have to change. I have to grow up. I have to learn.
But like the bunnies, when I get really scared, I tend to revert back to things that worked so well in childhood. Only in an adult world, it just makes things worse. I have to adapt. I have to think. I have to pray. I have to seek the right answer for each situation. I have to forge new paths. And when I do, I find that life really is more pleasant than I remembered.....even in the midst of the hard times.
Don't be a dumb bunny. Learn new habits. Better ways. Don't let your fear trap you in past behaviors.
blessings,
rhonda
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