The trademark of knowing that you have good friends is knowing that you can "call them at two in the morning." Or, in other words, you have the privilege of being cared for and about even when what you want or need is inconvenient. It's not that you try to be inconvenient. It's just that in the hubbub and craziness of life, sometimes it happens that you are sick. Or sad. Or heartbroken. Or get great news. Or need therapy. Or just need. And it doesn't always happen during business hours. As a matter of fact it usually doesn't. It often happens when people are busy with other things. There are friends that you know will take your calls. Yes, even in the middle of the night.
And no, not because it's convenient. It's because in good friendships, YOU are never an inconvenience. Even when they are wiping the sleep from their eyes. Or driving to pick you up at the airport after they already settled into their sweats for the evening.
It's not easy to be this kind of friend. It takes a selflessness that is rare in our society. But it is worth it. Kids need it from adults. That things aren't always about our convenience but about our care for them. Because that feels really good. For all of us. Be this friend. Dont' just look for this friend. And remember, it's not all of your friends. And it doesn't come easily. Takes some time and nurturing. Let it happen. Enjoy the process. But make sure that you take the time to nurture this kind of relationship. It's totally worth it. You are totally worth it.
blessings,
rhonda
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Here Comes Santa Claus
Well, around our house, Santa is kinda just a fun things these days. But I loved the years they believed......it was so much fun. I got no sleep whatsoever, but seeing their sweet faces in the morning made it all totally worth it. And John was the tinsel fairy. He would dance and prance and scatter around the tinsel. Fun times. And our kids would awaken at about 5:30. It was amazing.
These days things are a little more simple. We don't have to stay up so late and we tell the kids what time we can all be expected to get up.
This year is different in many ways. Everyone is growing up. The economy has changed. Oh boy, that was an understatement. I am unemployed. But today I was thinking how the main things are still the main things. My kids love this time of year. And because they do, I do even more. Their eyes still sparkle. Their excitement is still contagious. We still make a birthday cake for Jesus. Cookies. Fudge. We hang lots of candy canes on the tree. To eat. Not just to look pretty. We take forever to open our presents. We do stockings, eat breakfast and THEN we begin opening presents. It's fun. Draws it out. We eat ham. Pretty simple meal. By mid day we are enjoying our gifts and maybe a little nap. It's a nice day. If it snows, so much the better.
Things have changed. Many things. And yet, the little things are all still in place. We are relaxed around one another. We are family. I love that. Years might change. Some years we have some money, other years, not so much. But every year, we have had each other. And honestly, though some things are disappointing, at the end of this year, when it comes time to list why I've had a good year, these people will top out the list. Right under the Jesus I have the privilege to serve.
Love you guys. You all..........my family. (yes, the blood relatives and the others..........) I mean all of you.
blessings,
rhonda
These days things are a little more simple. We don't have to stay up so late and we tell the kids what time we can all be expected to get up.
This year is different in many ways. Everyone is growing up. The economy has changed. Oh boy, that was an understatement. I am unemployed. But today I was thinking how the main things are still the main things. My kids love this time of year. And because they do, I do even more. Their eyes still sparkle. Their excitement is still contagious. We still make a birthday cake for Jesus. Cookies. Fudge. We hang lots of candy canes on the tree. To eat. Not just to look pretty. We take forever to open our presents. We do stockings, eat breakfast and THEN we begin opening presents. It's fun. Draws it out. We eat ham. Pretty simple meal. By mid day we are enjoying our gifts and maybe a little nap. It's a nice day. If it snows, so much the better.
Things have changed. Many things. And yet, the little things are all still in place. We are relaxed around one another. We are family. I love that. Years might change. Some years we have some money, other years, not so much. But every year, we have had each other. And honestly, though some things are disappointing, at the end of this year, when it comes time to list why I've had a good year, these people will top out the list. Right under the Jesus I have the privilege to serve.
Love you guys. You all..........my family. (yes, the blood relatives and the others..........) I mean all of you.
blessings,
rhonda
Baby, It's Cold Outside
Love listening to the song. Love hearing Buddy the elf sing it. Makes me smile every time. A man trying to convince a woman that she doesn't want to leave him and go out into the cold night. And she doesn't want to leave anymore than he wants her to go. It's pretty funny.
But today, when I went outside in the six degree weather to start up the car so that my precious children could be warm on the drive to school, I was thinking of a totally different meaning of "baby it's cold outside." I was thinking about friendships. Women's friendships. They are tough things. Women need women. I mean, it is our nature to be community oriented. The whole going to the bathroom together thing is a little bit of an exaggeration, but it came from our desire to bond and know others and be known. There's the rub. When we aren't known, when we feel like we are on the outside, we are COLD. We hurt. We rub our hands together. Try to stay warm, but there is something within the heart of a woman that just feels cold.
You'd think that it's because someone was mean to us. Excluded us. Made us feel badly. But in my life, I am often on the outside because I put myself there. I feel awkward or inept. I don't know what to do and instead of communicating, I just become an outsider looking in. I feel like the old Mervyn's commercial...."open, open, open." Standing on the outside of the glass with my face plastered up to the door. And I want someone else to fix it. But nobody else can. I have to open the door and come back in.
Not that we as women can't be unwelcoming. I think that we can rule. But sometimes we are just too sensitive. We walk out the door (yes, figuratively) when things get uncomfortable. And that's too bad. One thing I have to say about men..........they are a lot easier to deal with in this realm. My boys fight and then they are done. Not so with the girls. Mercy. So much emotional baggage. I love being a woman, but I really dislike this about our relationships.
Let's face it, relationships that are deep are difficult. They don't come quickly and they don't come easily. But they don't go easily either. That's what makes them so wonderful. So hang on. Stay in. Take off your coat. Sit down. Light a fire. Have a drink. (of cocoa of course). Grab a blankie. Ask for tissue. Relax. Wait out the storm. Cuz baby, it's cold outside.
blessings.
But today, when I went outside in the six degree weather to start up the car so that my precious children could be warm on the drive to school, I was thinking of a totally different meaning of "baby it's cold outside." I was thinking about friendships. Women's friendships. They are tough things. Women need women. I mean, it is our nature to be community oriented. The whole going to the bathroom together thing is a little bit of an exaggeration, but it came from our desire to bond and know others and be known. There's the rub. When we aren't known, when we feel like we are on the outside, we are COLD. We hurt. We rub our hands together. Try to stay warm, but there is something within the heart of a woman that just feels cold.
You'd think that it's because someone was mean to us. Excluded us. Made us feel badly. But in my life, I am often on the outside because I put myself there. I feel awkward or inept. I don't know what to do and instead of communicating, I just become an outsider looking in. I feel like the old Mervyn's commercial...."open, open, open." Standing on the outside of the glass with my face plastered up to the door. And I want someone else to fix it. But nobody else can. I have to open the door and come back in.
Not that we as women can't be unwelcoming. I think that we can rule. But sometimes we are just too sensitive. We walk out the door (yes, figuratively) when things get uncomfortable. And that's too bad. One thing I have to say about men..........they are a lot easier to deal with in this realm. My boys fight and then they are done. Not so with the girls. Mercy. So much emotional baggage. I love being a woman, but I really dislike this about our relationships.
Let's face it, relationships that are deep are difficult. They don't come quickly and they don't come easily. But they don't go easily either. That's what makes them so wonderful. So hang on. Stay in. Take off your coat. Sit down. Light a fire. Have a drink. (of cocoa of course). Grab a blankie. Ask for tissue. Relax. Wait out the storm. Cuz baby, it's cold outside.
blessings.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Communication Expanded
A little addendum to communication. It is paramount to remember that no human being can possibly put to words every emotion feeling or thought. They misspeak, say it wrong, muddle through trying to share the deepest parts of their hearts.....whether it be anger, pain, happiness, joy or sadness. So, it behooves ( I love that word....my grandpa used it.:)) us to listen with grace.
Sometimes the words have to be tempered by what you know to be true.
Sometimes it sounds as if the speaker is belittling us, attacking us, being unfair........and sometimes they are.......but sometimes it is best to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to communicate something and they are going to have to come at it a few different ways.
When you care about someone, don't assume that they are being mean to you. And when you are listening to your sister chick try to tell you something hard, something that is bothering her.....maybe even about you.......well, rely on the fact that you chose this friendship and that she probably has your best in mind even if she is royally blowing it.
The bottom line is that the best of friends can talk. They don't have to keep silent. The are allowed to disagree. Sigh. I know. We have all been trained that peace means agreement. I'm a rebel. Peace does not come from agreeing but from understanding. It comes from seeing who another person is AND who she is becoming. Don't be quick to be offended by someone you trust. Try to remember that you trust them. And when you hear that they shared ABOUT you to someone else, don't be quick to be angry about that either. Most of our friends really do care. They really do try. And they really are not perfect. Are you? Thought not. So, go easy. We women can be really snotty. I used a good word when a naughty word could have said it much more succinctly. One point for me.
When communicating, especially when you are on the listening side, don't shut down when it hurts. Don't hit back. Wait. Hear it out. It might come about that the other person will finally get the words just right and that it will feel a lot better than you initally thought.
I get to say all of these things because, as all of my longtime friends know, I often speak what is in my mind. And I often can't get the words right. It takes time. And patience.
If you will stick with it, stick with those sister chicks, you will have friends for life. If you don't, you will have to turn over friends every couple of years.......because that's how long it seems to take to get comfortable to say the hard things. And it takes years after that to figure out how to make each other understand the hard things. But never fear, you can love each other through those times. Be brave. Be the first in your circle. Stand up for grace in communication. Not hiding. Not silence. Not feigning that all is well. Learn to compliment (not flatter.........flattery sucks.......it's a false compliment). Learn to encourage. Tell the friends you have regularly what you like about them. Learn to see the good stuff.......and tell it. And, then when the times come, learn to say when you are hurt. Or disappointed. Or angry. Or just really emotional and really don't know why but just need..........
Love you all. You are my heroes. Be brave.
blessings.
rhonda
Sometimes the words have to be tempered by what you know to be true.
Sometimes it sounds as if the speaker is belittling us, attacking us, being unfair........and sometimes they are.......but sometimes it is best to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to communicate something and they are going to have to come at it a few different ways.
When you care about someone, don't assume that they are being mean to you. And when you are listening to your sister chick try to tell you something hard, something that is bothering her.....maybe even about you.......well, rely on the fact that you chose this friendship and that she probably has your best in mind even if she is royally blowing it.
The bottom line is that the best of friends can talk. They don't have to keep silent. The are allowed to disagree. Sigh. I know. We have all been trained that peace means agreement. I'm a rebel. Peace does not come from agreeing but from understanding. It comes from seeing who another person is AND who she is becoming. Don't be quick to be offended by someone you trust. Try to remember that you trust them. And when you hear that they shared ABOUT you to someone else, don't be quick to be angry about that either. Most of our friends really do care. They really do try. And they really are not perfect. Are you? Thought not. So, go easy. We women can be really snotty. I used a good word when a naughty word could have said it much more succinctly. One point for me.
When communicating, especially when you are on the listening side, don't shut down when it hurts. Don't hit back. Wait. Hear it out. It might come about that the other person will finally get the words just right and that it will feel a lot better than you initally thought.
I get to say all of these things because, as all of my longtime friends know, I often speak what is in my mind. And I often can't get the words right. It takes time. And patience.
If you will stick with it, stick with those sister chicks, you will have friends for life. If you don't, you will have to turn over friends every couple of years.......because that's how long it seems to take to get comfortable to say the hard things. And it takes years after that to figure out how to make each other understand the hard things. But never fear, you can love each other through those times. Be brave. Be the first in your circle. Stand up for grace in communication. Not hiding. Not silence. Not feigning that all is well. Learn to compliment (not flatter.........flattery sucks.......it's a false compliment). Learn to encourage. Tell the friends you have regularly what you like about them. Learn to see the good stuff.......and tell it. And, then when the times come, learn to say when you are hurt. Or disappointed. Or angry. Or just really emotional and really don't know why but just need..........
Love you all. You are my heroes. Be brave.
blessings.
rhonda
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Remember When
Remember when the kids were little and we were asked incessantly if we had a daycare? And how every time we went into McDonald's or a food court the lady would come with her little broom and handled dustpan and clean up WHILE we were still eating? Or the various times different children have barfed in public?
Remember when we would spend hours exploring about a fourth of the zoo? And have to stop at the first place we came to for ice creams because the kids couldn't make it more than 15 minutes in the car without falling sound asleep?
Or those days by the creek......and the lake........and the ocean. So many rivers and dams built. Swings swung on. Wading. Falling in. Laughing. Picking dandelions and blowing them. Sitting silently. Talking about nothing. And everything.
Remember the funerals? The heartbreaks?
The 50 cent days at the theater? And we spent ALL day. Checking out new malls and enjoying the playgrounds? The "new" airport that we couldn't find but we were taking the kids to see?
Many many many days at the park. Picnics. Snacks. The kids picking up other people's drinks to drink? Or eating french fries from the ground?
Mud fights? Foot painting..........that turned into the kids doing body painting?
Baking cinnamon rolls and eating ALL of them.
Remember building a brick path? With pretty flowers all around. And a bench. And lots of imagination.......until, lo and behold, it became what we imagined.
Remember all of the forts? The "clubs"? The birthday parties? We have celebrated 94 kid birthdays!!
Do you remember the scrabble games that lasted hours........just playing as we would go by the board? Or talking on instant messaging when we lived long distance.
Remember the drives from Fort Collins to Longmont?
Remember the train and the lake and the geese and the ice cream cones?
Remember going camping and only having lemonade? No water. hahahhahaha. Ooops. Brushed our teeth with lemonade. Tastes terrible with toothpaste. And do you remember that four wheel drive road that we took the van on when looking for a camping spot? With........hmmmm........how many kids?
Road trips. Long and short.
The Colorado Springs Zoo in a spring snowstorm. Remember the giraffes and their long tongues and how hard everyone laughed?
Remember the adventures?
Ski trips. Going to Sunlight and watching all of our "babies" ski better than us.
Remember swim lessons?
RMCA?
Remember dressing up at Halloween? And watching to kids put makeup on each other? Never ending up being what they started out being.
Remember making a "water park" out of the back yard playset?
Remember the talent shows that always began when the day was ending and the kids were relaxed and comfortable?
The kissing phase?
The young movie makers? And editors?
Remember how old they seemed at 8?
Remember how hard kindergarten seemed?
Remember how fun it was?
Remember photo booths? Stuffed full of as many little faces as would fit?
Remember how our activities had to be free or nearly free and yet they were always SO good?
The kids climbing out the window? Onto the roof? Into the tree? Learning to ride bikes?
Oh, I remember. And those memories have given my kids a great past and foundation for the future. But, in making those memories, I gained a friend.
Ok, it's a friend who throws mud and water and whatever else, but a true friend?
Remember?
I know all of you have memories of those you have walked with as you have lived. It's pleasurable to remember when? with them. Take a little time and remind those who are your friends how much you have enjoyed the memories......could be titled "thanks for the memories."
blessings
Remember when we would spend hours exploring about a fourth of the zoo? And have to stop at the first place we came to for ice creams because the kids couldn't make it more than 15 minutes in the car without falling sound asleep?
Or those days by the creek......and the lake........and the ocean. So many rivers and dams built. Swings swung on. Wading. Falling in. Laughing. Picking dandelions and blowing them. Sitting silently. Talking about nothing. And everything.
Remember the funerals? The heartbreaks?
The 50 cent days at the theater? And we spent ALL day. Checking out new malls and enjoying the playgrounds? The "new" airport that we couldn't find but we were taking the kids to see?
Many many many days at the park. Picnics. Snacks. The kids picking up other people's drinks to drink? Or eating french fries from the ground?
Mud fights? Foot painting..........that turned into the kids doing body painting?
Baking cinnamon rolls and eating ALL of them.
Remember building a brick path? With pretty flowers all around. And a bench. And lots of imagination.......until, lo and behold, it became what we imagined.
Remember all of the forts? The "clubs"? The birthday parties? We have celebrated 94 kid birthdays!!
Do you remember the scrabble games that lasted hours........just playing as we would go by the board? Or talking on instant messaging when we lived long distance.
Remember the drives from Fort Collins to Longmont?
Remember the train and the lake and the geese and the ice cream cones?
Remember going camping and only having lemonade? No water. hahahhahaha. Ooops. Brushed our teeth with lemonade. Tastes terrible with toothpaste. And do you remember that four wheel drive road that we took the van on when looking for a camping spot? With........hmmmm........how many kids?
Road trips. Long and short.
The Colorado Springs Zoo in a spring snowstorm. Remember the giraffes and their long tongues and how hard everyone laughed?
Remember the adventures?
Ski trips. Going to Sunlight and watching all of our "babies" ski better than us.
Remember swim lessons?
RMCA?
Remember dressing up at Halloween? And watching to kids put makeup on each other? Never ending up being what they started out being.
Remember making a "water park" out of the back yard playset?
Remember the talent shows that always began when the day was ending and the kids were relaxed and comfortable?
The kissing phase?
The young movie makers? And editors?
Remember how old they seemed at 8?
Remember how hard kindergarten seemed?
Remember how fun it was?
Remember photo booths? Stuffed full of as many little faces as would fit?
Remember how our activities had to be free or nearly free and yet they were always SO good?
The kids climbing out the window? Onto the roof? Into the tree? Learning to ride bikes?
Oh, I remember. And those memories have given my kids a great past and foundation for the future. But, in making those memories, I gained a friend.
Ok, it's a friend who throws mud and water and whatever else, but a true friend?
Remember?
I know all of you have memories of those you have walked with as you have lived. It's pleasurable to remember when? with them. Take a little time and remind those who are your friends how much you have enjoyed the memories......could be titled "thanks for the memories."
blessings
communication
Have you ever noticed that you can communicate with some people and not with others? Ok, for some of you I might need to reword, because you are not understanding. I have learned that communication is a two way thing. You have to speak. You have to listen. And you have to confirm that you heard what someone said.....or that they understood what you said. "I am hearing you say...is that correct?" is a good way to keep things certain.
Men and women struggle because men tend to be very basic and women tend to deal a lot with innuendo and expression. And here come the problems. It's an easy problem to solve. Women need to learn to say what they are thinking/feeling with words. Men need to learn that women pick up on all of the emotional aspects.
Most difficult of all, perhaps, are women's friendships. Because they all deal with the emotional aspects of communication, sometimes things get really really intense. And sometimes communication doesn't actually occur. Feelings get all mixed up with the words and the nuances and eventually someone is hurt. It's the weirdest thing. When we women are in this situation, it's important to stop. Listen. See if you are really hearing what you thought. Ask questions. Be blunt. Be honest. Don't pretend. Don't hide. And it will be hard. But it is really good when it happens. Communication between girlfriends. It's a sweet thing.
Communication. It's not just about talking. Nor about being in the same room. It's not about agreeing. It's about caring enough to really hear. Not just the words, but what the speaker is trying to say. And it's about letting someone know what you have heard. Sometimes it can get messy. It's easier to nod and grunt. Ask my husband. But that is unsatisfying. We all need interaction. We all need to feel like we connect. But the bottom line is that it is a risk to try to really connect.
Welcome to the adventure of communication. It's more risky that sky-diving and way more satisfying. That first jump will be terrifying. But don't despair, you'll get it.
blessings.
Men and women struggle because men tend to be very basic and women tend to deal a lot with innuendo and expression. And here come the problems. It's an easy problem to solve. Women need to learn to say what they are thinking/feeling with words. Men need to learn that women pick up on all of the emotional aspects.
Most difficult of all, perhaps, are women's friendships. Because they all deal with the emotional aspects of communication, sometimes things get really really intense. And sometimes communication doesn't actually occur. Feelings get all mixed up with the words and the nuances and eventually someone is hurt. It's the weirdest thing. When we women are in this situation, it's important to stop. Listen. See if you are really hearing what you thought. Ask questions. Be blunt. Be honest. Don't pretend. Don't hide. And it will be hard. But it is really good when it happens. Communication between girlfriends. It's a sweet thing.
Communication. It's not just about talking. Nor about being in the same room. It's not about agreeing. It's about caring enough to really hear. Not just the words, but what the speaker is trying to say. And it's about letting someone know what you have heard. Sometimes it can get messy. It's easier to nod and grunt. Ask my husband. But that is unsatisfying. We all need interaction. We all need to feel like we connect. But the bottom line is that it is a risk to try to really connect.
Welcome to the adventure of communication. It's more risky that sky-diving and way more satisfying. That first jump will be terrifying. But don't despair, you'll get it.
blessings.
Loving
Most of us have down loving. We know how to forgive. We know how to feel towards others. But what I'm not sure we've figured out is how to make the people we care about KNOW and FEEL like they are loved. We fall short. What good is love if it doesn't reach into another person and give them strength and courage and the sense of "I matter deeply to someone"?
I think that the part of love that is the most important is the part where it is received, where it is realized. It's kind of like being a teacher. You can stand in front of a classroom and write on the board every day. You can say the same things over and over.......but if nobody ever learns it, you have not taught.
So it is with love. We need to figure out how to communicate it, with words, actions, touch, whatever it takes. Because kids who feel loved do better. And we are all kids. All in need of love. All in need of people who reach out to us.
But it feels like we live in a culture where it's put on each individual to FIND what they are looking for in love......to initiate it......to pursue it. But the whole thing about love is that it's a gift. And it loses its specialness if we have to make it happen or be the constant initiator or try to make sure our needs our met.
This season is particularly full of people in need of love. Real love. The kind that changes their lives. Look at the people closest to you. Look at those not at close. And with each group, make the effort to do the reaching. The good news is that maybe those who are looking at you will be doing the same.
blessings.
I think that the part of love that is the most important is the part where it is received, where it is realized. It's kind of like being a teacher. You can stand in front of a classroom and write on the board every day. You can say the same things over and over.......but if nobody ever learns it, you have not taught.
So it is with love. We need to figure out how to communicate it, with words, actions, touch, whatever it takes. Because kids who feel loved do better. And we are all kids. All in need of love. All in need of people who reach out to us.
But it feels like we live in a culture where it's put on each individual to FIND what they are looking for in love......to initiate it......to pursue it. But the whole thing about love is that it's a gift. And it loses its specialness if we have to make it happen or be the constant initiator or try to make sure our needs our met.
This season is particularly full of people in need of love. Real love. The kind that changes their lives. Look at the people closest to you. Look at those not at close. And with each group, make the effort to do the reaching. The good news is that maybe those who are looking at you will be doing the same.
blessings.
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