I hesitate to write this. And even as my fingers are touching the keys I wonder if I can put to words the thoughts that have been in my mind for so long. You know, some things roll around in your heart and mind for years and never really come to fruition. But this is about something that many people have asked me about. It's near and dear to my heart. But how to bring you into my experience. No clue. Never do know how to do that, but with a prayer and abandon, I take off and try. And leave the results to One more able than I.
Many of you have asked me over the years and especially over the last year about my really special, sisterly, heart friend. I've been asked "how did you find that?" (read, how did YOU of all people with all of your baggage, get a friendship like that?) "how did you build it?" And I've tried to write about it before. I've told you what a good friend she is. Told you how you have to open yourself up to friendship. But the bottom line is that I don't know the answers to any of your questions.
Picture a young mom. Living in a new city. A couple of kids and very pregnant with a third one. I had spent the last few years praying for a really good friend. I mean, beyond husband and family. I would go out and see moms out to lunch together. Out to coffee. At the park.
I was no shrinking violet. I went to the park. to the mall. to the McDonald's playland. I had ever since my kids were big enough to go. But I was just me and my kids. No play date. Just us.
And now picture a foster parent. We had various kids in our home who were not preschoolers. Sometimes they were really easy. Sometimes, usually, not.
We were pretty friendly. We invited people over. Had them to dinner. Or Sunday lunch. We were involved at church. We tended to go to Sunday School classes not for young marrieds or young parents because we were in such a different place in life given our family circumstances. God used our lives. It was good. But the friendship thing......well, I had friends, but it really wasn't happening for me. Since college it seemed that I was just kind of always on the fringe of people's lives.
Along came Deedee into my life. I already said how I knew she was too good for me. Preacher's kid and all that. But what I want you to know is that I didn't expect anything different than what I had had for the previous few years. Shallow. Superficial. But, maybe fun and at least someone to be with. But God had plans that I never even dreamed. But that didn't happen right away. It was just about two young mamas staying sane and enjoying grown-up speak in the middle of the busy baby years. At least that's what it seemed to be. At first.
But God was about filling some of the deepest cries of my heart from many, many years. He was beginning to teach me to trust someone who had no reason, no commitment, no promise, no relationship to cause her to have to stay. or to care. And we would sit and have coffee while the kids played in the little indoor "mall" area in Niwot. And sit on the banks of the creek while the kids caught things and got muddy and soaked. And we visited while walking hunkered down in the baby end of the pool. (was I ever glad to leave the 12" water) And we would take days to the zoo or Prospect Park or the petting farm in Fort Collins. And there was no play book. There was no plan.
But a part of me was drawn out and challenged to have more. I have and have had lots of friends in my lifetime. I love them. But this was like having a sister for me. Don't get me wrong, Deedee already had that role filled. But God was filling holes in my heart. Using a sweet young woman who was willing to be friendly.
And now, years have gone by. We have had some really rough times. We are more different than most can imagine. She is the artist, creator, fun filled, trusting one. I am the more melancholic, contemplating, gotta see it one. But for all of that, I have faith. Deep faith. In things I don't see. I encourage. And for all of her "fun-ness", she is deep and able to listen to my silly musings without making me feel like an idiot. But frankly, sometimes we haven't seen eye to eye. Sometimes we have........gasp........shock........drum roll.......fought. Really fought. Not polite little squabble, but full out angry. I know, it's hard to imagine for some of you. A few of you have witnessed it. But those fights have proven over and over that we are friends. That no little event or circumstance will end that.
This last year has been FULL of challenges. For her. For me. It's like neither of us hardly ever comes up for air before the barrage of the next "crisis". And yet, just this last week, while being so incredibly sick, I was absolutely floored by the peace. The sense of well-being. The knowledge that God is taking care of each thing.
How can I not be changed by watching how my friend has lived with grace and kindness? How can I not marvel at the miracles of God when I see Him before my very eyes making all things new in her life. Making new is painful. Heartwrenching. But trust me, just as new bread is better than moldy bread, a new life is way better than a rotting one.
And I stand in awe. "How did you bring us here, God?" So much PAIN. So much JOY. And my answer remains, I don't know.
I believe in miracles. Because in my life this is a miracle. As surely as a dead man walking. For I have been awakened and challenged and pushed and grown.
But there is no recipe. There is no plan book. But you can find the deep desires of your heart if you open your eyes and look around..........because He promises that He longs to fill those desires. What it looks like might be very different than you expected. It was for me. It was WAY harder and way more demanding than I ever believed it could be. But through time we grow and are ready for more and more steps.
But if you are just not seeing it. If you feel really alone though you are surrounded. If you feel like the only one. Understand this: you are not. Look around and find another who feels that way and start on a journey. You may part ways or it may grow, but it will be a wonderful growing time either way. Cuz let me tell you.......I have lots of friends.....really good friends and regular friends and acquaintances and people I wish that we had time to be friends. And, sometimes the thing I get from the friendship is the pain of learning about who I really am. It's still worth it. And God will use each event to fill up the holes in your heart, to make you filled. But if you will only accept what come packaged like YOU expect in the size and shape that YOU are hoping for and with the gifts and talents that you require.......well, prepare to be disappointed. Because what I HAVE learned is that God loves to surprise us. He loves to prosper us. He loves to lavish blessings upon us. But they rarely look like we expect. As a matter of fact, all of the best things in my life have been a special surprise gift from God. And it has been fun. Not always easy, but totally worthwhile.
So, if you have been holed up and hunkered down, take a deep breath and try again. Not to MAKE something but to be available. to enjoy. to see. You are so loved. So special. Give it one more try........and one more after that.........and one more after that. It's called living. So, as I have been apt to say lately, LIVE!!!!
blessings,
rhonda
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